Doctor Dreadful Food Lab

Posted By Booze Fighter

"Ooooh Billy, do you want a freshly baked cup cake?

Is Schwarzenegger hard to spell? Bitch give me that cup cake. Yum. So where did you get these, from your lame momma?

"No I made them with my Easy Bake Oven...oven..oven...oven...oven..."

I remember that stun; that abysmal fuzziness after you take a digger on your huffy. This shock was due to the fact that little girls everywhere could get instant, homemade taste-bud gratification with their Easy Bake Ovens and all I had was a bowl of Kix and freeze dried milk.

Panic set in for all boys. They were alone in the world of munchies, hoping...no...praying their sisters would get an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas, so they could hoax them into making them a personal Confetti Cake.

Delirious from hunger pains, one of your slow-minded chums approaches you with a plate of Creepy Crawlers. SMACK...Dumpy, you buffoon, Creepy Crawlers are only for people with Pica. Gah...imbecile. Are boys forever damned in this cruel cruel world? Is there no one that will help us?

A strange and diabolical laughter comes from the bowels of Geoffrey the Giraffe. Like the Pied Piper, the hungry youth flocked to Toys R' Us, where explosions and chaos were errupting from aisle 8.

"Muhahahahahaha...TASTE, need more TASTE!!!" This Dr. Wily look-a-like mother fucker is going nuts; adding potions that smell just as good as a pepperoni pizza to something that already looks just as good. Who is this wild scientist? Why does he create so much taste?

The answer: Dr. Dreadful, and no his name does not speak for his creations. If that were the case he would be the original Dr. Feelgood. This Spin Doctor 360's the world that Easy Bake Oven had created. With a Doctor Dreadful Food Lab one can create anything from Gummy Guts to your very own Zombie Blood Soda Pop. Unfortunatly Dr. Dreadful was nabbed by the men in white coats and was never to be seen again.

I found out that Dr. Dreadful is being let out of Bell View to be re-released into the world, hell-bound on creating TASTE. If this is news to you, or you just don't care, you should go choke on some Creepy Crawlers or forever be subdued by your sister and her Easy Bake Oven.

Greeting Cards

Posted By Hi Five

Few things in this world are as downright soulless as greeting cards. Greeting cards piss me off more than Tyra Banks' face. Why, as a society, do we feel the need to give a card on every occasion, no matter how meaningless it may be? I can kind of understand birthday cards for little kids. They open the card, it has a picture of some stupid clown with his hair on fire and it says something dumb like "Hope you have a torchingly funny brithday!" The kid gets a twenty dollar bill, and everyone wins. Well guess what? No one wins when you feel like you have to buy people holiday cards, sympathy cards, sorry your dog is dead cards, get well soon from your cancer cards and all those other stupid times of the year in which people deem card worthy. God forbid I don't show up to my nephews baptism with a "Try holy water death breath!!!" card. God might not let me into heaven. I'm sure the kid would approach me 20 years later and be like "Hey Uncle Hi Five, why didnt you give me a card for my baptism? That really hurt my feelings." And if the little douche did say that I would have to punch his brain out of his head and baptize him with his own blood.

Aside from the fact that cards even exist, that alone is enough to make my blood boil, I can't stand how idiotic most of them are. I can't count the number of times I've gone looking for a card and the words "dumb", "retarted", "what the fuck", "who is the fucking moron who wrote this?", "I feel like killing someone because I just read that" comes out of my mouth. I am through with looking at cards that have a dog chasing its tail on the cover and on the inside it says something like "Its your birthday! Don't run around in circles, relax!" HAHAHAHA. Fuck you. You'll be running around in circles when I'm chasing you with Malachai's machete because you wrote that card, idiot.

I guess it just comes down to convenience and laziness. No one wants to put thought into things, which is why cards exist. Yet, the irony of it all, is if you dont get someone a card for one of these typical occasions, you're looked at as someone who is thoughtless. And these holier than thou, stick-up-their-ass douchebags look down their noses at you. "Hmmm, did you see that rebellious youth not give a card, for shame." No, sorry Dr. Society, i didnt think your little bastard sons first birthday was worth my time and money. Next time any "card occasion" comes up, I'm just going to make my own. On the cover it will say "This is the last card you will ever get from me in this lifetime," and on the inside there will be a picture of Chris Benoit dragging his thumb across his throat with the words "Fuck you" below it. I'll be done handing these things out in no time.

Candy Crap Corn

Posted By Fly Boy

Costume parties, horror-movie marathons, haunted houses, daddy's beatings; these are all components of the greatest holiday known to man, Halloween. There is one item, synonymous to Halloween, that plagues the holiday vibe more than the greedy little douchebag that takes all the candy when the sign clearly states "Please take one." That item is none other than the infamous Candy Corn.

Everything about this corn syrup and sugar combination screams DISAPPOINTING, from its unrepresentative name to its displeasing array of colors. Candy Corn is the treat kidnapping rapists give their captives for being "a good girl." Its the candy your grandmother gives you every year, because she's had an industrial size bag since 1987. Its the corn that every mythical creature would find in their stool if they were to exist. Candy Corn is what you eat if you hate yourself.

I read somewhere that one company in Texas produces enough Candy Corn each year to circle the earth 4.25 times if the kernels were laid end to end. What?...Why?...What population are they tending too? I am currently purchasing a plane ticket to Dallas to burn this factory to the ground. I will then bask in the fumes of charred sugar and corn syrup while I make ash angels in its remains. Meanwhile, everyone else should do their part and stop purchasing Candy Corn. If you are a fan of Candy Corn, and are amongst the population questioned above, then I graciously ask of you two favors...1. cut yourself and 2. get your fix during another Holiday, like Kwanzaa. Halloween doesn't need Candy Corn in its arsenal of awesomeness.

Die, Green Ranger, Die!

Posted By Bas Rutten

The year was 1994 and all was well for little eight-year old Jason as his alarm clock woke him up on a sunny, autumn morning at 7:25. By the time he got dressed and went downstairs his favorite TV show on. That show was Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; with the Red Ranger, Jason, of course being his favorite. Jason was the leader of the pack; he took no shit. You all know he was Porkin’ Pink Kim and Drirrin’ Yerrow Trini as he told Zack to make him a ham sandwich and Billy to play chess with his hipster friends.

The red ranger's popularity rubbed off on little Jason as he strolled into school with his red ranger lunchbox and backpack. He was the cool kid. He was looked up to by his peers. All the girls were gossiping about his weenus. Jason was living life. He was on top of the world…

Then, out of nowhere, his life turned into a living hell as the Green Ranger, Tommy, came on board and ripped the heart out of all the Jason’s of the world, especially Mr. Weenus himself. This no good chump went face-to-face in a martial arts battle with Jason and matched up to him; forcing the Yellow (irony) Ranger to recruit him. This mother fucker even had the dragon shield. This sheild could heal and deflect attacks, which was much cooler than a red, spandex-wearing fairy jumping around. Because of this, Jason was no longer the man. All the Jason’s took a step back, while all the Tommy’s of the world were now cool; hell, even the retard Tommy Blankenship from special-ed got a handy on the 3rd grade short bus…a legend still to this day.

All the Jason’s in the world will never forgive the Green Ranger for ruining their collective parade of hope and glory. It has affected me, Mr. Weenus, to the point where I wear my red ranger outfit every morning at 7:25, thinking of the times where I was a somebody. Yes...those were the days.

Revenge of Milky

Posted By Booze Fighter

Joe and Bob Rosselle teamed up in 1982 to distrubute tasty cold treats to all of the hot and hazy Bostonians, but their ice cream handouts were just a cover. Inside the womb of their first Thermo King, tossed and churned an Ice Demon...Milky.

I believe, Milky was supposed to resemble a happy, everyday milk man, but instead, Milky looked more like a cream slinger from hell. His robotic appearence meant one thing...death to all.

It's 102 degrees outside. Your shoes are melting to the sidewalk. Wait, whats that blurry figure in the distence walking this way ever so chipper? You pause with confusion. You hear the jingles of an ice cream truck. By now your shoes have become one with the asphalt.

"Shit, I think the heats getting to me lil' sis. All i can hear, besides our flesh cooking, is the taunts of an ice cream truck nearby, and all i can see is...oh shit! ohhh SHIT. Samantha, untie your shoes and jump to the grass if you can. That figure moseying this way is MILKY!

Both children frantically try to untie their shoes but the heat and the music Milky is dispensing from his ears are putting both of them into a trance; like a cobra's dance to a mouse before it is ingested.

Gotta snap out of it, gotta run. Milky is now picking up his pace from a lacksadaisical step to a moderate stride, holding a two-ball screwball in one hand and a bloody ice pick in the other.

FUCK he's creepy. Milky's facial expression doesn't change but you can tell he's on the hunt, for his music switches from "You are My Sunshine" to Pantera's "Walk." God, why does it have to end this way?

Well, it wouldn't have ended that way Jimbo if RoseV Dairy had picked a better Logo. Maybe then it wouldn't have come to life and eaten your brains like a Choco Taco. Now Milky is raising the cold, creamy dead for his unholy army. The Hulkster, the Bozo Cup, the Widget Pop and yes even Tweety are now Ice Cream Zombies ready to embark frost bite all over the Greater Boston Area.

One Radical Son of a Bitch!

Posted By Hi Five


Few movies in this world are equal to 1991's Point Break. Starring Keanu Reeves, as FBI agent Johnny Utah and Patrick Swayze as Bodhi, the charismatic leader of a gang of surfing bank robbers. Point Break hooks the audience immediatley with its catchy dialogue, memorable characters and intense action sequences. But enough with the cliches, let me break it down and tell you why this movie is second to few.

Johnny Utah, Bodhi, Roach, Grommet, Bunker, Tone....Warchild?! Whoever named the characters in this movie is a genius. Point Break hands down has the best character names of any movie I have ever seen. As a matter of fact, my future wife better have an open mind when we name our children, because if little Johnny Utah isn't playing little league, or adorable Warchild isn't going to be trick or treating, she can hit the road.

The number of memorable lines in this movie is endless. Many times i have found myself telling people "I only live to get radical" and when they look at me like I'm the weirdo, I have them hold the Point Break DVD in front of their chest, then I spin kick it through their heart. Needless to say, the amount of people whose last words were "wow that was radical" has increased greatly since I first saw this film in the mid 1990's. What makes the movie's dialogue so good are the types of words the screenwriter decides to use. Throughout the movie, the words such as wild, babe, jam, and radical can be found coming from the mouths of any given character. I guess I just cant seem to get enough of a long haired, radical, surf nazi calling a cop a fuckin' pig as he unloads his clip from his automatic weapon at him.

The environment in this movie is also very distinct. Whenever I watch this film, I feel like it should be a warm summer day outside, even it's in the middle of the winter. One particular scene, that gives me this feeling, is at a party at the Ex Presidents beach house. This has to be a top-five party scene that you would want in any movie. It starts off with Johnny Utah venturing into the building to find Jimi Hendrix jamming over the loud speakers, Grommet (Bodhi's younger brother) tripping out on drugs and Bodhi, himself, jazzing up a black girl and taking tequila shots. Soon, the crew moves out to the beach where they tell stories about "big wave riding," then they proceed to do a little "stealth mission," nightime surfing themselves. If i could go to this party every saturday night for the rest of my life, I would.

One thing that I need to point out is how out of control Warchild and his thugs really are. There is one scene where they are on their way home from the beach in their flat bed truck, and they are literally swerving between 3 lanes of traffic on the highway, hanging out the sides and yelling at people. Imagine you are in your suit and tie on your way home from work, and you look out your window to see a group of long haired, metal-looking pshycopaths screaming obscenities at you. When they arrive back at their house, they say "fuck the driveway" and just barrel over the curb, right up onto the front lawn. Talk about a group of fellas who give the middle finger to the man, huh? If these guys didnt tweak out on so much crack and own so many guns, I would want to hang out with them just as much as I want to hang out with the ex presidents.

In addition to great characters, quotable dialogue, and palatable scenes, Point Break really does have an excellent plot. A "young, dumb and full of cum" FBI agent comes to town and joins forces with a veteran agent. Together they try to track down "The Ex Presidents;" a group of surfers who are willing to pay the ultimate price for the ultimate ride. However, in a slight twist, the FBI protagonist befriends this group of criminals and soon learns that they are ones he seeks to track down. Soon, all hell ensues through a number of action packed chase, surfing and skydiving scenes. In the end Johnny Utah gets his man, but in the process his character goes on a life changing journey, in which he discovers there is more to life than simply abiding by the everyday rules of society. Overall, Point Break is a must see for anyone who is born, and if you have yet to see it, all i can say is "Goddamn, you are one radical son of a bitch!"

Lost Complainers

Posted by Dobb Master Flex

This post goes out to all the people who have ever (or would like to) complained about Lost. Look, everyone knows that there were a lot of questions brought up by the show throughout the series, and it may have seemed like the writers were trying to mess with your brain. Most likely this was true, but I, and every other true fan, enjoyed every minute of it. For the "lost" people, i.e. coworkers, I think it would have been best if you stopped complaining at my cubicle about how you couldn't wait for the series to end because you can't follow the show anymore; you are now on my list. Maybe you have a short attention span. So what if they didn't answer every single last question that you have retained since the first season. Some questions are better left unsaid; there is only so much that we could have accomplished from analyzing or blogging about the show.

During the show's final days, I had a major sociological revelation when I found that there were two types of Lost fans, or really, two types of people. The first type just sat back and enjoyed the roller coaster ride of a show. The second was a bitter person who simply watched out of obligation but didn't even care anymore. This person needs to crash on a deserted island with a smoke monster and an electromagnetism problem to learn their lesson (I haven't even mentioned anything about the space/time continuum). I don't think that's too far from a realistic punishment. Look, if you are catching up now, or just re-watching the show for the fun of it, just enjoy it. As Steven Tyler once said "Life's a journey. Not a destination." Every episode offers some sort of entertainment; incredible one liners, great acting, and let's not forget about the Lost drinking game. Seriously, how many times did you complain throughout the show's history only to be proven wrong at the end? Probably every season. So do me a favor, shut your mouth, or stop watching. It's up to you. But no matter what, don't tell John Locke what he can't do, because he has so many ridiculous anecdotes about life and carries really large knives.

Baby on Board

Posted by Fly Boy
There are people in the world that can irritate you to the point where you just want to punch that individual through the sternum and remove their still beating heart. For some, it’s the Guido "juicehead" with the Japanime hair cut. For others, it’s the celebrity who adopts foreign babies and preaches about the hardships of third world countries. For me, it’s the people who find it necessary to have a “Baby on Board” sign suctioned to their car window.

Do these parents think that this sign prevents anyone from accidentally rear-ending them? Do they believe that the sign creates an impenetrable force field that protects them from on-coming traffic? Or maybe they believe that there are drivers out there that purposely look for other vehicles to hit because they are bored; “Hmmm, let’s see. Who should I share my insurance information with today? How about that Dodge Caravan…oh no wait, I can’t…there is a baby on board. I guess I’ll hit this Nissan with the vanity plate and John Kerry sticker.

This bright yellow sign not only irritates me and every woman with a faulty uterus, it also entices every pedophile driver in the area. So if you are one of these over-cautious parents and you happen to notice a bald guy with horned-rim glasses following you in a station wagon with wood paneling, do NOT freak out…you did this to yourself.

It is safe to say that this so called “warning sign” does more harm than good and should be immediately recalled. Any parent who purchases this product should not be allowed to raise children. Their ignorance will infect our youth, which in turn, will affect our future.

Mirrion

Posted By Bas Rutten

Throughout life, phrases and words come and go with age. Some we look back upon and laugh ("radical!"), others we ask ourselves what the fuck we were thinking ("da bomb!"). Some made people angry, and others made people make fun and spit at you ("hella"). Whatever the circumstance, phrases and words are, and always will be, little fuckers that come and go, which I like to call the "phases of phrases." However, one man changed all of that. One man looked down at two playing cards in 2007 and made the world a better place. One man proved so powerful that his words and phrases defeated over 6,000 humans, all by his fucking self. This little 5-foot nothin', sun-glass wearin', kiddie picture kissin' son of a bitch changed the course of life by uttering two words: "I raise." Jerry Yang is that man.

Not only did Jerry send chills down the spines of the other players, at the final table in the main event of the 2007 World Series Of Poker, he made them quiver, drool, sweat, and pant when he raised: "Two point eight MIRRION." No, not 2.8 million, as the thousands of other poker players would have said while their opponents did not take them seriously and re-pop it to 10, he "raced mirrrrions" and took home the top prize of over 6 "mirrion dorrars" and has not looked back since.

Jerry has proved to be an inspiration to mirrions across the world, as this word can be used at any point, any time, and any place to the delight of the mirrions...AND MIRRIONS! of the Yang's fans.

Morton Schlitz: "Yo man, my grandmother died from the mumps yesterday."
Homeless George: "Mirrion."

Break This Game

Posted by Booze Fighter

Don't Break the Ice - Milton Bradley 1968

I'd like to say, first and for most, that this game is a complete pile of plastic shit. The set up to play ratio is 100sec/1sec, so basically it's 99% a waste of time. The games idiocy was so apparently world wide that it actually angered a whole population of North Vietnamese; which sparked the first Anti-Shitty Game Campaign (later to be known as The Tet Offensive)...unleashing their rage on all those who thought hitting plastic cubes of lame, till the man on the shitter cam crashing down, was actually a good idea.

Years later you still catch this peon of the gaming world loitering where it shouldn't be, like next to an elite gaming system or anywhere not on fire. The only way this game would be slightly more legit is if, with every blow, the hammer played the bonus tune from Wreckin' Crew (NES Classic) and as the retarded, red man falls, he screams "CREED IS A LEGIT ROCK GROUP," and then lays waste in a vat of lava.

Die you lier. Die you game.

Feldmanology

Posted by Hi Five

What do Ganesha, Allah, and Jesus all have in common?
The answer, of course, is that their god is Corey Feldman.

Well, let me rephrase. Their God was Corey Feldman between the years 1985 and 1989. You see, during this five year period, Mr. Feldman was busy creating what is now looked at as the highest peak in cinematic history. I am referring to the unstoppable force of films known as: The Goonies, Stand By Me, The Lost Boys and The 'Burbs. When looked at closely, one can see the evolution of awesomeness that took place during this period.

Feldman knew right from the get-go that he had the magic. In The Goonies he was always combing his hair and being totally radical, all while telling that dumb ugly bitch with glasses to shut-up half the time; so kudos to that. True, some might say that by the end of the Goonies he was being nice to that short haired dyke-looking lass, but by this time Feldman was maturing and just wanted to get some snatch. The theory of "the best way to get a hot girl is to go after her ugly friend first" was made into law during this movie. Everyone knows Andy the Cheerleader was Mouths main target. Boing.

Next in Feldman's repertoire of jamtastic flicks was Stand by Me. We get to see a dark side of Corey, as he portrayed the semi-psychotic, army obsessed youth, Teddy Duchamp. Want to know what happens when you start making movies with River Phoenix? You start doing drugs. Whenever I see this movie, I wish that I was a fifteen year old actor during the eighties, who got to run around, smoke weed and play "guns" with his buddies on a movie set. Pretty sweet.

Apparently a good drug connection was made during Stand by Me, because co-cast members Kiefer Sutherland and Corey Feldman reunited in 1987 to create a movie that is unparalleled by any other, The Lost Boys. At the peak of his high, Corey Feldman was killing vampires and selling comic books. Wow. If Vampires were to in fact exist, this would be the type of world I would want to live in.

For his rock n' roll encore, Mr. Feldman stars in the 'Burbs as Ricky Butler. All you need to know about this movie, besides that it gives the Boogeyman wet dreams, is a description of how Feldmans character first enters the fray: A long haired, sunglass wearing Feldman enters your screen, carrying a bucket of paint in one hand, a boom box in another, with a paint brush hanging out of his mouth. After slamming his radio down on the porch, non-chalantly placing the spilling can of paint on top of the radio, he cranks the tunes. As the music begins, this 80's god begins to play air guitar. Essentially saying "fuck painting, Mom, its time to jam out."

Unfortunately Corey Feldman never went on to do much more. In fact, he started hanging out with Michael Jackson and became just another miserable freak. During the life span of Jesus Christ there is a period of time between the ages of 12-30, when no one really knows what the hell was going on with the son of god. I like to think of Corey Feldman in a similiar way. Between the years of 1985 and 1989, Corey Feldman was busy creating a religion. He was building a house that stood upon the four pillars described above, with a cult following of people like myself. As for the years prior to 1985 and post 1989, I guess I will simply think of those as the lost years of Feldman.

Coca Cola's Monsters of the Gridiron: 1994

posted by Booze Fighter
Next to Tecmo Superbowl in the realm of my childhood football memories lays a stack of cards, waiting to be held and horded like crack cheese to a crack house rat.

Coke Monsters of the Gridiron was a creative way to market NFL players, and to get people to buy massive amounts of Coca Cola during the Halloween Season. I believe if you bought a 12 pack it came with 1 card outa 30… from Marshall “The Missile” Faulk to Pat “Chillin'” Swilling.

Please Coke, bring these back. It’s been 16 years since you did something cool like this and now that I’m older and grew some brains I’d save these hip and rad cards instead of using them as an accelerant to melt my army men.

Video Game Review: A Boy and His Blob

posted by Fly Boy

A Boy and his Blob is a Nintendo video game about a boy…and his blob. Like many Nintendo games one would purchase at a yard sale, this game lacked any real story. You begin the game in the middle of a desolate street at night with a sack of jelly beans and a bouncing amoeba that slightly resembles an albino Slimer. At this point the player is already pondering such questions as "who is this boy?" "Where did he get this blob?" and "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

Unfortunately, the game fails to answer any of these questions and forces you to use your imagination. If I had to write the story of A Boy and His Blob it may go a little something like this:

Boy lived a hard life. He was raised by his abusive step father and crack-addicted mother, who failed to properly name him. He grew up never really knowing his biological father, except for the occasional stories his mother would tell when she was coming down off the rock. She would tell him that his father was a miner named Doug and that he spent most of his life digging. Then one day, when Boy was a baby, Doug decided he'd had enough of family life and abandoned Boy and his mother in pursuit of his dream to reach the center of the Earth. At first, Boy paid little attention to his ranting mother, but at the age of 12 he developed a mild case of schizophrenia and her stories began to make sense. By the age of 13, Boy began to suffer from severe depression. He felt scared and alone. To counter his feelings of insecurity he created an imaginary friend named Blob, who convinced Boy to kill his step father, rob a candy store, and set out on a journey seeking revenge on his biological father at the center of the Earth. (Press “A” to begin)

Even though A Boy and His Blob lacks a sense of plot and what would seem like a definitive ending, it is definitely an entertaining side scroller. The concept of the game, feeding a blob an assortment of jellybeans that cause it to morph into various objects that are intended to assist you, is interesting and innovative to say the least. The game has a bit of a learning curve and the blob can piss you off worse than the dog from Duck Hunt, but don't let this discourage you. All in all, A Boy and His Blob is 1/4 fun, 1/4 frustration, and 1/2 what the fuck?

Movie Review: Dragon Wars

posted by Booze Fighter

More like “Dragon Snores.” Dragon Wars didn’t even have a friggin’ dragon in it until the last five minutes of the movie which was glorified by eating the one lady they were trying to save the whole damn movie. If you like dragons or ninjas stay away. On second thought, I wish I didn’t write this review because I’ll be reminded of this terrible movie every time I sign on to write here. Dragon Wars is a deer tick equipped with rocket launchers ready to shoot Yanni memorabilia at your face.

Movie Review: Masters of the Universe

posted by Hi Five
Of all the Star Wars rip-offs, the only worth while watch would have to be the masterful MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Set in the land of Eternia, He-Man (played by Dolph Lundgren) and friends find themselves in a bit of a pickle when Skeletor and his cronies crash the party and make heads roll. Skeletor captures the Sorceress, takes over the Castle of Greyskull, and tries to enslave He-Man. Basically, he wants to make peoples' lives a living hell.

There are many parts of this movie that bear similiarities to Star Wars. Storm Trooper look alikes, laser beams that deflect off of swords, a cloaked bad guy who can shoot lightning from his body, bounty hunters, the struggle between futuristic good and evil...the list goes on and on. However, once you get past the fact that this movie directly steals from Star Wars, you start to appreciate the awesomeness that this film brings to the table. Let me review a couple scenes for you.

After transporting to earth, the good guys in this movie find themselves conveniently located near one of the most delicious fast food places ever found in a film, Robby's Chicken Shack. Of course, the wily veteran of the group, Man-at-Arms, follows his nose toward the tempting fried chicken and ribs. However, Gwildor, a troll look alike, beats him to the punch and goes fly-fishing for some freshly fried buckets of food out of a nearby convertible. Upon learning that they are indeed eating meat from an animal, the female warrior Teela condemns the two hungerstricken heroes for being so inhumane. Shut up, bitch... and go make me a space burger. Man, this scene always makes me hungry.

Meanwhile, Skeletor is freaking out because no one has died at his hands yet. He sends a few of his top notch bounty hunters to track down He-Man and company. This motley crew of evil consists of Blade, Karg, Beastman and some lizard guy that gets totally annihilated by Skeletor when they return empty handed. This very well could be the best collection of bad guys ever assembled in any movie. The quintessential scene involving these guys is when they break into the high school gym, dominate the janitor (resulting in his being sent off to the looney bin on a stretcher), set the place on fire, and chase after a poor unsuspecting Courtney Cox.

A few other characters of note are the following:

Evil-Lyn is Skeletors right hand woman, who does all his dirty work. At one point, she shapeshifts into Courtney Cox's dead mother, just to gain the dumb bitch's trust in order to get the cosmic key back from her. This was pretty much the original mind fuck.

Lubic is the police Detective who doesnt know what the fuck is going on when these freaks show up in town and start shooting the place up during his graveyard shift. He tries to act all badass, but in reality he most likely shits his pants at the sight of Skeletor. I guess hes not as dumb as he looks though because at the end of the movie he is chilling in the land of Eternia with a few big titted space princesses and most likely goes on to own like 30 castles.

In short, I guess this movie is like Halloween in July. You see all these characters dressed up, walking around the streets and it just doesnt seem right, but you cant look away. The one thing is, they arent looking for candy, they are looking for the cosmic key so dont get in their way. Oh yeah, if the guy who looks like he just crawled out of a casket knocks on your door, shooting sparks out of his fingertips, dont answer it because its Skeletor and he will eat you. Just pray that He-Man flys by on his hovering saucer to save the day. If not, its your funeral. Just remember, we cant all be Masters of the Universe, but we all have the power to enjoy this cult classic.

Food Review: Cadbury Mini Eggs

posted by Bas Rutten

There is one reason and one reason alone why I love Easter. And no, it isn't Hoppy McSkip the Creep Bunny. It's that it means it is time for those purple packages of paradise to hit stores all across America. Yes, I'm talking about the REAL eggs of Easter, the Cadbury Mini Eggs. Not to get you mixed up with those creme eggs endorsed by Nickleback and Daughtry... these little bonanzas are the real deal and shoot down from Heaven once a year into mouths of the screaming kids, adults, and Grandpa George's all over the world. Personally, I like to try to shave off the thin colored shell with my chompers before indulging the best chocolate I've had since playing in Wonka's waterfall. How do you think Tiger Woods gets all his women? Let's just say buying a year's supply of these monsters has its perks. So, my friends, I give you a choice, either eat 2 bulky misspelled creme eggs with Chad Kroeger and his entourage of Canadian rock stars, or join me, Grandpa, Tiger, and the jam clan with a 32 ounce bag of these little buggers and make Easter morning a time to be happy again.