Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Candy Crap Corn

Posted By Fly Boy

Costume parties, horror-movie marathons, haunted houses, daddy's beatings; these are all components of the greatest holiday known to man, Halloween. There is one item, synonymous to Halloween, that plagues the holiday vibe more than the greedy little douchebag that takes all the candy when the sign clearly states "Please take one." That item is none other than the infamous Candy Corn.

Everything about this corn syrup and sugar combination screams DISAPPOINTING, from its unrepresentative name to its displeasing array of colors. Candy Corn is the treat kidnapping rapists give their captives for being "a good girl." Its the candy your grandmother gives you every year, because she's had an industrial size bag since 1987. Its the corn that every mythical creature would find in their stool if they were to exist. Candy Corn is what you eat if you hate yourself.

I read somewhere that one company in Texas produces enough Candy Corn each year to circle the earth 4.25 times if the kernels were laid end to end. What?...Why?...What population are they tending too? I am currently purchasing a plane ticket to Dallas to burn this factory to the ground. I will then bask in the fumes of charred sugar and corn syrup while I make ash angels in its remains. Meanwhile, everyone else should do their part and stop purchasing Candy Corn. If you are a fan of Candy Corn, and are amongst the population questioned above, then I graciously ask of you two favors...1. cut yourself and 2. get your fix during another Holiday, like Kwanzaa. Halloween doesn't need Candy Corn in its arsenal of awesomeness.

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