Saturday, October 2, 2010

Feldmanology

Posted by Hi Five

What do Ganesha, Allah, and Jesus all have in common?
The answer, of course, is that their god is Corey Feldman.

Well, let me rephrase. Their God was Corey Feldman between the years 1985 and 1989. You see, during this five year period, Mr. Feldman was busy creating what is now looked at as the highest peak in cinematic history. I am referring to the unstoppable force of films known as: The Goonies, Stand By Me, The Lost Boys and The 'Burbs. When looked at closely, one can see the evolution of awesomeness that took place during this period.

Feldman knew right from the get-go that he had the magic. In The Goonies he was always combing his hair and being totally radical, all while telling that dumb ugly bitch with glasses to shut-up half the time; so kudos to that. True, some might say that by the end of the Goonies he was being nice to that short haired dyke-looking lass, but by this time Feldman was maturing and just wanted to get some snatch. The theory of "the best way to get a hot girl is to go after her ugly friend first" was made into law during this movie. Everyone knows Andy the Cheerleader was Mouths main target. Boing.

Next in Feldman's repertoire of jamtastic flicks was Stand by Me. We get to see a dark side of Corey, as he portrayed the semi-psychotic, army obsessed youth, Teddy Duchamp. Want to know what happens when you start making movies with River Phoenix? You start doing drugs. Whenever I see this movie, I wish that I was a fifteen year old actor during the eighties, who got to run around, smoke weed and play "guns" with his buddies on a movie set. Pretty sweet.

Apparently a good drug connection was made during Stand by Me, because co-cast members Kiefer Sutherland and Corey Feldman reunited in 1987 to create a movie that is unparalleled by any other, The Lost Boys. At the peak of his high, Corey Feldman was killing vampires and selling comic books. Wow. If Vampires were to in fact exist, this would be the type of world I would want to live in.

For his rock n' roll encore, Mr. Feldman stars in the 'Burbs as Ricky Butler. All you need to know about this movie, besides that it gives the Boogeyman wet dreams, is a description of how Feldmans character first enters the fray: A long haired, sunglass wearing Feldman enters your screen, carrying a bucket of paint in one hand, a boom box in another, with a paint brush hanging out of his mouth. After slamming his radio down on the porch, non-chalantly placing the spilling can of paint on top of the radio, he cranks the tunes. As the music begins, this 80's god begins to play air guitar. Essentially saying "fuck painting, Mom, its time to jam out."

Unfortunately Corey Feldman never went on to do much more. In fact, he started hanging out with Michael Jackson and became just another miserable freak. During the life span of Jesus Christ there is a period of time between the ages of 12-30, when no one really knows what the hell was going on with the son of god. I like to think of Corey Feldman in a similiar way. Between the years of 1985 and 1989, Corey Feldman was busy creating a religion. He was building a house that stood upon the four pillars described above, with a cult following of people like myself. As for the years prior to 1985 and post 1989, I guess I will simply think of those as the lost years of Feldman.

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