A Hunt For Something Familiar

posted by Fly Boy

Manhunt is a game of stealth, fear, and adrenaline. Manhunt is a lot like tag, if tag was storming the Beach of Normandy on an acid trip. Manhunt is like Tag’s older brother... if your older brother is the type who steals your lunch money and then proceeds to have sex with your girlfriend. I am not going to take this time to explain the rules of the game. If you do not know how to play, you may want to accuse your parents of neglect. If you plan to look for the rules of the game do not click on the first link in a Google search for "manhunt." That's what I did, and as a result, I ended up here:

“MANHUNT is the world's best place for men to meet online; tens of thousands of guys are online this second! Get on, get off: The hunt is on.”

What is the world coming to?

Unfortunately, kids these days are too busy for manhunt or any other backyard game that has satisfied generations prior. They are more interested in updating their facebook status and downloading Lady Gaga ringtones for their smart phone, while dressing in skin tight jeans and trendy flannels. Does the dawning of a technologically advanced society and the Twilight Saga mean the end of Manhunt? Not in my book.

Just because the new generation has lost its love for the great outdoors, doesn’t mean our generation can’t continue playing manhunt. I don’t see anything wrong with a group of grown men, dressed in all black, chasing each other in the middle of the night, lurking in unfamiliar backyards waiting to rescue a friend from an imaginary prison, all while being slightly intoxicated. Sounds like fun to me. So I ask my Soldiers of the Side Street and Commanders of the Cul-de-sac to come together and keep our favorite past-time alive.

Manhunt anyone?

GUTS... Do You Have It??

posted by Hi Five

Unfortunately the answer is "no" ever since this all time great sports competition gameshow starring young children and teenagers was cancelled in 1995. To those of us still placing bets on the blue, red and purple competitors via syndication, we got a piece of the Aggro Crag dropped on our televisions in 2007 when Nickelodeon GAS went off the air and thus squashed a piece of every person who grew up in the early 90's in the process.

For those of you who were homeschooled and too busy playing Oregon Trail in your backyard because your Mormon parents wouldnt allow TV, GUTS was a gameshow on Nickelodeon that pitted 3 preteens against each other to duel it out in a variety of sport-related events in the "Extreme Arena". These competitions, however, were by no means normal. "The Invisible Boat" allowed these kids to race over water in a Jesus like fashion, with only a paddle in hand and a harness strung from the heavens. The winner, of course, claimed Ultimate Messiah status and collected 300 points in their quest to become GUTS champion for that particular half hour. Other such memorable events were the Slam-a-Jama, Shoot Out and Wild Wheels. The latter was a competition that can only be described as the equivalent of a toddler dropping a couple tabs of acid and going for a joyride around the neighborhood on his tricycle.

This was the kind of show you often found yourself saying "Damn, I wish i had applied to this shit." Just once i want someone to ask me to "spill my guts" and I can tell them that to me GUTS means to "JAM OUT." The fact of the matter is that host Mike O'Malley is no longer asking these questions, referee Moira Quirk is no longer announcing that Paul "running man" Battson is running away with the competition, and the spotters are no longer jumping up and down for joy as a 13 year old climbs a mountain of styrofoam.

GUTS will forever stay atop the Aggro Crag, as one of the best - if not THE best - childrens' gameshow of all time. Not even Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, or even Wild and Crazy Kids can compete with this timeless gem. If only it were released to DVD we could all find out once again what it means to have...GUTS.

Movie Review: Year One

posted by Booze Fighter
The only time this movie would have been worth watching would have been in the first year humans existed, at a time when they used clubs to get their first date and fire was considered a source of visual stimulation. If this movie had been watched by our ancestors, I think they would have clubbed the director and used their fire to cast this film back to the lame depths it came from. I feel bad writing harsh reviews but I paid for this rental, and could have used the money on a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy’s… a double disappointment.

Commercial Review: Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup

posted by Booze Fighter


Aww how cute... it's snowing. The feeling of Christmas is almost here. Mom is hugging her son in what you think is a love embrace, but you're so wrong. It's actually a hug goodbye! She's fattening him up so that he can be sacrificed to the trees in the front lawn. Gee mom, thanks for your creamy pile of shit. It woke up our fucking evergreen outside and it almost pulled me out the window. Luckily it took your casserole instead. Now for the rest of his life, this kid is gonna be tapped and in constant fear that every tree he sees wants the taste of children. And he'll grow up to be a deranged hermit constantly rambling about how much happier life was before cream of mushroom soup.

Save the Vampires

posted by Hi Five

Do you know what that rotten smell is that has been nesting in your nostrils over the past few years? Well to quote Edgar Frog, it's "vampires, my friend, vampires." And we aren't talking about the type of vampires that you wish would bite you in the neck so you could start hanging out with their gang. I'm talking about the kind that you can find in sUPeR-FaD Mazazine, dumb bitch backpacks, or hipster lunchboxes.

Dear God someone save the sacredness of Vampirism.

I remember a better time in my life when I could flip on the TNT or USA networks just in time for the beginning of the greatest vampire movie of all time, The Lost Boys. Vampires in this movie, such as David (pictured above) - their mullet brandishing leader - weren't your friend and if you thought they were, they were most likely making you think you were eating worms or maggots. Nowadays, you have these vampires such as those that are in Twilight or The Vampire Diaries who go to high school, hang out with humans, and don't even eat people. It's bullshit.

I saw a commercial the other day for the new stupid Twilight movie, and the "bad" vampire looked like fucking Whoopi Goldberg. First of all, don't ever cast a vampire that looks like Whoopi Goldberg. Second, if you do, decide you want a Vampire Whoopi in your movie, then cast the real Whoopi Goldberg. If I saw Sister Mary Clarence in her nun outfit chasing after me trying to suck my blood, THAT would bug me out.

To settle this debate, I went ot the Vampire High School this morning and punched that dummy from Twilight in the face and took his diary. Coincidentally, while I was going to work, David rode by me on his motorcycle with his sweet trenchcoat on and his diary flew to the ground so I grabbed that. Luckily, the sun was coming up and he had to race back to his Jim Morrison Hotel, so he didn't stop and eat my skull. Anyway, these were my findings-

Diary entry from Edward, the stupid vampire:
"Today I had biology. We had to cut open a frog. It was so sad, I almost cried. Then the bread was stale on my chicken salad sandwich so I went into the bathroom and put more makeup on."


Diary entry from David from The Lost Boys:
"Today I smoked weed, ate chinese food, and killed motherfuckers."

I think we know which vampire is better.

Next time one of your friends or family members wants to watch Twilight or The Vampire Diaries, first consider why you are even talking to them and then do them a favor and stake them right in the brain with a copy of The Lost Boys. Then maybe they will know what a real vampire is supposed to be like: "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never Grow Old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."

Food Review: Nintendo Cereal System

posted by Booze Fighter
Twenty one years ago, Nintendo Cereal smashed global brain waves from Burkina Faso, to the rivers of Singapore, and all the way to the corporate FAT CATS in Washington. Children, the elderly, and LARPs from all over the world stood in awe of the aura of a dual combination of breakfast gold. Yes, that's right... at one point in our lifetime cereal companies knew what the people wanted and needed. Clean water and reusable fuel sources are nothing compared to being able to grab one box of cereal and having the choice of two. Or dare you mock the taste gods and open BOTH sides, mixing two worlds - Mario Bros. and Zelda - only to have the offspring be sword wielding Italian plumber elves resulting in a failed video game, "Guiseppi: Burning Bushes Because My Faucet is Leaking... The Story of a Bastard Child." So, adventurous ones, fuck Jason and the Argonauts, grab your spoons and your hunger, and get ready to embark on a legendary taste voyage known as Nintendo Cereal.

Drink Review: Grape Crush

posted by Bas Rutten
While walking through campus this year, I noticed my school had replaced their Coke products with its illegitimate stepson, Pepsi. I was not happy about this, but I did find one big positive out of the matter: the re-emergence of Grape Crush. Because I hadn't had it in years, I decided to fork over the 5 quarters for a bottle and my go-go-gadget brain exploded with fizz. Grape flavor bursts out like a giant grape oozing Gusher exploding in my mouth, and I was immediately smashing my face and poking pens into my retinas for penance due to years of lost taste ignitions. Minute Maid, Welch's, Nehi, and Grapette need to grow a pair to compete with this old, but newly found once again, masterpiece of grape soda.

Food Review: Sir Chomps a Lot

posted by Booze Fighter

In addition to being the perfect name for any type of canned deliciousness, Sir Chomps a Lot stands in the Food Hall of Fame twirling his pimp cane next to the almighty Hamburglar. I'm sure you can remember many times in which you ate a can of Chef Boyardee pasta. It is a very common meal, after all. However, when I think back to my childhood and remember eating Sir Chomps a Lot, it's far from a common memory. You see, Sir Chomps a Lot was so good that it would be the only ravioli that I'd end up snorting. It would hit my frontal lobe and stick where it should: in my mind and in my stomach. Unfortunately, the Sir Chomps a Lot mascot has been retired, but I know he's somewhere lurking in a dark cupboard waiting to unleash the Four Horsemen of Taste.

Fluff You

posted by Hi Five
There are two types of people in the world: those who favor fluff and those who favor jelly. Usually you find one of these two spreads alongside peanut butter, which is one of the best inventions of man kind. Let’s take a closer look at the merits of each side of this age old debate...why fluff and why not jelly?

Have you ever found yourself in the following situations?

"Mmmmmm im so cold, I want some hot chocolate! Scoop some JELLY in my delicious warm me up drink!"

or

"What a great summer day mom, it’s so hot outside! Let’s all enjoy an ice cream sundae topped with SMUCKERS GRAPE!"

Let me answer for you, Helen Keller...you never find yourself in these situations. And if you do, you are most likely deaf, chances are you are blind and you are definitely dumb.

So what does this have to do with fluff? Well, it is clearly a more versatile spread. Not only can you enjoy it in your traditional Fluffernutter sandwich, but also in various other forms. Want a topping for your ice cream? Check. Want to add a little twist to your hot chocolate? Got you covered. If you have never enjoyed a Peanut Butter or Fudgernutter sundae (both containing marshmallowy fluff), stop what you are doing right now, drive yourself to the nearest ice cream shop, get out of your car, and stand in front of the window punching yourself in the face until they hand you one of these delicious treats.

"So i guess you must be anti-American huh? Peanut butter and jelly is traditional Americana food. You jerk."

Well, fucking idiot, you are wrong.

Look at the evolution of peanut butter and jelly. It has become commercialized. Have you ever seen those stupid frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Uncrustables? They make me want to puke. If you feed your children an Uncrustable you are borderline neglecting them. What better way of telling your son or daughter how much you love them, by sending them to school with one of these turd saucers in their lunch box.

Honestly, I care about you so much, that I can't take the 2 minutes to make you an actual peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I need to buy them, premade and FROZEN. Hmmm, I wonder if this kid will turn into a self loathing, fat, lazy bastard?

Speaking of self loathing bastards, why do you think Timothy Mcveigh bombed the Murrah Federal Building? He wasn’t pissed at the government… His mom had just fed him too many jelly sandwiches and he had had enough. Fuck, he probably thought the building was a jelly factory.

Osama Bin Laden? All he wanted was some fluff… give the man some fluff for Christ’s sake. Instead he gets pissed because our government kept dropping crates of jelly in his country for like 30 years and laughing about it.

Fluff doesnt stoop so low as to make premade shit circles. Fluff stands strong in its red white and blue container, instilling the morals and values in the future of tomorrow. Fluff knows that you can’t compromise the delicious tastes of a fresh made sandwich, and doesn’t try to capitalize on the stupidity and laziness of the common parent.

I think it is pretty clear. If you want your child to become a terrorist, drug addict, or someone who wears squared rimmed glasses, by all means continue slapping that jelly on the bread and shoving it down their throats. But if you want your child to win the Nobel Prize, maybe become President or even just become a decent human being, then fluff is the way to go.

Movie Review: Zombieland

posted by Booze Fighter
The best “zomedy” to date by a long friggin’ shot. Woody Harrelson, a bad ass peanut butter… and Jesse Eisenberg, a jammin’ jelly, combine forces to make the most kick ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever to be feasted on by my stomach-like eyes. Honestly, this movie surpassed ninja status – the first time a zombie movie has done so and I’m glad it happened. Zombieland has everything from great comedy, intensity, and the best cameo since Jean Claude Van Damme in Breakin’. Put that in your blog and smoke it.

Toys I Wish I'd Never Melted: Exo Squad

posted by Booze Fighter
These toys were based off one of the most underrated cartoons ever. I found the toy before I learned about the show and my love for video games eventually led me to pounding on the A B C buttons of a Genesis controller trying to cap Phaeton, the Neosapien governor of Mars. Anyhow, my brains practically exploded when I realized that with this toy not only do you get a completely movable action figure that fits his or her very own personal "Mech Machine," but it fires plastic missiles at a range suitable for any 12 year old who is trying to take out a large ant hill. This toy would still be a hit today, with the potential to inspire imaginations everywhere. "Hey Billy, why don't you drop that Dazzle Doll and take on the Neosapiens with your very own Exo Squad?" Hell yeah, Billy. Hell yeah.