
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Hunt For Something Familiar

Wednesday, December 16, 2009
GUTS... Do You Have It??

Unfortunately the answer is "no" ever since this all time great sports competition gameshow starring young children and teenagers was cancelled in 1995. To those of us still placing bets on the blue, red and purple competitors via syndication, we got a piece of the Aggro Crag dropped on our televisions in 2007 when Nickelodeon GAS went off the air and thus squashed a piece of every person who grew up in the early 90's in the process.
For those of you who were homeschooled and too busy playing Oregon Trail in your backyard because your Mormon parents wouldnt allow TV, GUTS was a gameshow on Nickelodeon that pitted 3 preteens against each other to duel it out in a variety of sport-related events in the "Extreme Arena". These competitions, however, were by no means normal. "The Invisible Boat" allowed these kids to race over water in a Jesus like fashion, with only a paddle in hand and a harness strung from the heavens. The winner, of course, claimed Ultimate Messiah status and collected 300 points in their quest to become GUTS champion for that particular half hour. Other such memorable events were the Slam-a-Jama, Shoot Out and Wild Wheels. The latter was a competition that can only be described as the equivalent of a toddler dropping a couple tabs of acid and going for a joyride around the neighborhood on his tricycle.
GUTS will forever stay atop the Aggro Crag, as one of the best - if not THE best - childrens' gameshow of all time. Not even Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, or even Wild and Crazy Kids can compete with this timeless gem. If only it were released to DVD we could all find out once again what it means to have...GUTS.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Movie Review: Year One

Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Commercial Review: Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup
Aww how cute... it's snowing. The feeling of Christmas is almost here. Mom is hugging her son in what you think is a love embrace, but you're so wrong. It's actually a hug goodbye! She's fattening him up so that he can be sacrificed to the trees in the front lawn. Gee mom, thanks for your creamy pile of shit. It woke up our fucking evergreen outside and it almost pulled me out the window. Luckily it took your casserole instead. Now for the rest of his life, this kid is gonna be tapped and in constant fear that every tree he sees wants the taste of children. And he'll grow up to be a deranged hermit constantly rambling about how much happier life was before cream of mushroom soup.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Save the Vampires

Do you know what that rotten smell is that has been nesting in your nostrils over the past few years? Well to quote Edgar Frog, it's "vampires, my friend, vampires." And we aren't talking about the type of vampires that you wish would bite you in the neck so you could start hanging out with their gang. I'm talking about the kind that you can find in sUPeR-FaD Mazazine, dumb bitch backpacks, or hipster lunchboxes.
Dear God someone save the sacredness of Vampirism.
I remember a better time in my life when I could flip on the TNT or USA networks just in time for the beginning of the greatest vampire movie of all time, The Lost Boys. Vampires in this movie, such as David (pictured above) - their mullet brandishing leader - weren't your friend and if you thought they were, they were most likely making you think you were eating worms or maggots. Nowadays, you have these vampires such as those that are in Twilight or The Vampire Diaries who go to high school, hang out with humans, and don't even eat people. It's bullshit.
I saw a commercial the other day for the new stupid Twilight movie, and the "bad" vampire looked like fucking Whoopi Goldberg. First of all, don't ever cast a vampire that looks like Whoopi Goldberg. Second, if you do, decide you want a Vampire Whoopi in your movie, then cast the real Whoopi Goldberg. If I saw Sister Mary Clarence in her nun outfit chasing after me trying to suck my blood, THAT would bug me out.
To settle this debate, I went ot the Vampire High School this morning and punched that dummy from Twilight in the face and took his diary. Coincidentally, while I was going to work, David rode by me on his motorcycle with his sweet trenchcoat on and his diary flew to the ground so I grabbed that. Luckily, the sun was coming up and he had to race back to his Jim Morrison Hotel, so he didn't stop and eat my skull. Anyway, these were my findings-
Diary entry from Edward, the stupid vampire:
"Today I had biology. We had to cut open a frog. It was so sad, I almost cried. Then the bread was stale on my chicken salad sandwich so I went into the bathroom and put more makeup on."
Diary entry from David from The Lost Boys:
"Today I smoked weed, ate chinese food, and killed motherfuckers."
I think we know which vampire is better.
Next time one of your friends or family members wants to watch Twilight or The Vampire Diaries, first consider why you are even talking to them and then do them a favor and stake them right in the brain with a copy of The Lost Boys. Then maybe they will know what a real vampire is supposed to be like: "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never Grow Old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."
Monday, November 23, 2009
Food Review: Nintendo Cereal System

Thursday, November 19, 2009
Drink Review: Grape Crush

Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Food Review: Sir Chomps a Lot

Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Fluff You

Have you ever found yourself in the following situations?
"Mmmmmm im so cold, I want some hot chocolate! Scoop some JELLY in my delicious warm me up drink!"
or
"What a great summer day mom, it’s so hot outside! Let’s all enjoy an ice cream sundae topped with SMUCKERS GRAPE!"
Let me answer for you, Helen Keller...you never find yourself in these situations. And if you do, you are most likely deaf, chances are you are blind and you are definitely dumb.
So what does this have to do with fluff? Well, it is clearly a more versatile spread. Not only can you enjoy it in your traditional Fluffernutter sandwich, but also in various other forms. Want a topping for your ice cream? Check. Want to add a little twist to your hot chocolate? Got you covered. If you have never enjoyed a Peanut Butter or Fudgernutter sundae (both containing marshmallowy fluff), stop what you are doing right now, drive yourself to the nearest ice cream shop, get out of your car, and stand in front of the window punching yourself in the face until they hand you one of these delicious treats.
"So i guess you must be anti-American huh? Peanut butter and jelly is traditional Americana food. You jerk."
Well, fucking idiot, you are wrong.
Look at the evolution of peanut butter and jelly. It has become commercialized. Have you ever seen those stupid frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Uncrustables? They make me want to puke. If you feed your children an Uncrustable you are borderline neglecting them. What better way of telling your son or daughter how much you love them, by sending them to school with one of these turd saucers in their lunch box.
Honestly, I care about you so much, that I can't take the 2 minutes to make you an actual peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I need to buy them, premade and FROZEN. Hmmm, I wonder if this kid will turn into a self loathing, fat, lazy bastard?
Speaking of self loathing bastards, why do you think Timothy Mcveigh bombed the Murrah Federal Building? He wasn’t pissed at the government… His mom had just fed him too many jelly sandwiches and he had had enough. Fuck, he probably thought the building was a jelly factory.
Osama Bin Laden? All he wanted was some fluff… give the man some fluff for Christ’s sake. Instead he gets pissed because our government kept dropping crates of jelly in his country for like 30 years and laughing about it.
Fluff doesnt stoop so low as to make premade shit circles. Fluff stands strong in its red white and blue container, instilling the morals and values in the future of tomorrow. Fluff knows that you can’t compromise the delicious tastes of a fresh made sandwich, and doesn’t try to capitalize on the stupidity and laziness of the common parent.
I think it is pretty clear. If you want your child to become a terrorist, drug addict, or someone who wears squared rimmed glasses, by all means continue slapping that jelly on the bread and shoving it down their throats. But if you want your child to win the Nobel Prize, maybe become President or even just become a decent human being, then fluff is the way to go.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Movie Review: Zombieland

Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Toys I Wish I'd Never Melted: Exo Squad
