Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Fluff You

posted by Hi Five
There are two types of people in the world: those who favor fluff and those who favor jelly. Usually you find one of these two spreads alongside peanut butter, which is one of the best inventions of man kind. Let’s take a closer look at the merits of each side of this age old debate...why fluff and why not jelly?

Have you ever found yourself in the following situations?

"Mmmmmm im so cold, I want some hot chocolate! Scoop some JELLY in my delicious warm me up drink!"


"What a great summer day mom, it’s so hot outside! Let’s all enjoy an ice cream sundae topped with SMUCKERS GRAPE!"

Let me answer for you, Helen Keller...you never find yourself in these situations. And if you do, you are most likely deaf, chances are you are blind and you are definitely dumb.

So what does this have to do with fluff? Well, it is clearly a more versatile spread. Not only can you enjoy it in your traditional Fluffernutter sandwich, but also in various other forms. Want a topping for your ice cream? Check. Want to add a little twist to your hot chocolate? Got you covered. If you have never enjoyed a Peanut Butter or Fudgernutter sundae (both containing marshmallowy fluff), stop what you are doing right now, drive yourself to the nearest ice cream shop, get out of your car, and stand in front of the window punching yourself in the face until they hand you one of these delicious treats.

"So i guess you must be anti-American huh? Peanut butter and jelly is traditional Americana food. You jerk."

Well, fucking idiot, you are wrong.

Look at the evolution of peanut butter and jelly. It has become commercialized. Have you ever seen those stupid frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Uncrustables? They make me want to puke. If you feed your children an Uncrustable you are borderline neglecting them. What better way of telling your son or daughter how much you love them, by sending them to school with one of these turd saucers in their lunch box.

Honestly, I care about you so much, that I can't take the 2 minutes to make you an actual peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I need to buy them, premade and FROZEN. Hmmm, I wonder if this kid will turn into a self loathing, fat, lazy bastard?

Speaking of self loathing bastards, why do you think Timothy Mcveigh bombed the Murrah Federal Building? He wasn’t pissed at the government… His mom had just fed him too many jelly sandwiches and he had had enough. Fuck, he probably thought the building was a jelly factory.

Osama Bin Laden? All he wanted was some fluff… give the man some fluff for Christ’s sake. Instead he gets pissed because our government kept dropping crates of jelly in his country for like 30 years and laughing about it.

Fluff doesnt stoop so low as to make premade shit circles. Fluff stands strong in its red white and blue container, instilling the morals and values in the future of tomorrow. Fluff knows that you can’t compromise the delicious tastes of a fresh made sandwich, and doesn’t try to capitalize on the stupidity and laziness of the common parent.

I think it is pretty clear. If you want your child to become a terrorist, drug addict, or someone who wears squared rimmed glasses, by all means continue slapping that jelly on the bread and shoving it down their throats. But if you want your child to win the Nobel Prize, maybe become President or even just become a decent human being, then fluff is the way to go.

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