Coca Cola's Monsters of the Gridiron: 1994

posted by Booze Fighter
Next to Tecmo Superbowl in the realm of my childhood football memories lays a stack of cards, waiting to be held and horded like crack cheese to a crack house rat.

Coke Monsters of the Gridiron was a creative way to market NFL players, and to get people to buy massive amounts of Coca Cola during the Halloween Season. I believe if you bought a 12 pack it came with 1 card outa 30… from Marshall “The Missile” Faulk to Pat “Chillin'” Swilling.

Please Coke, bring these back. It’s been 16 years since you did something cool like this and now that I’m older and grew some brains I’d save these hip and rad cards instead of using them as an accelerant to melt my army men.

Video Game Review: A Boy and His Blob

posted by Fly Boy

A Boy and his Blob is a Nintendo video game about a boy…and his blob. Like many Nintendo games one would purchase at a yard sale, this game lacked any real story. You begin the game in the middle of a desolate street at night with a sack of jelly beans and a bouncing amoeba that slightly resembles an albino Slimer. At this point the player is already pondering such questions as "who is this boy?" "Where did he get this blob?" and "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

Unfortunately, the game fails to answer any of these questions and forces you to use your imagination. If I had to write the story of A Boy and His Blob it may go a little something like this:

Boy lived a hard life. He was raised by his abusive step father and crack-addicted mother, who failed to properly name him. He grew up never really knowing his biological father, except for the occasional stories his mother would tell when she was coming down off the rock. She would tell him that his father was a miner named Doug and that he spent most of his life digging. Then one day, when Boy was a baby, Doug decided he'd had enough of family life and abandoned Boy and his mother in pursuit of his dream to reach the center of the Earth. At first, Boy paid little attention to his ranting mother, but at the age of 12 he developed a mild case of schizophrenia and her stories began to make sense. By the age of 13, Boy began to suffer from severe depression. He felt scared and alone. To counter his feelings of insecurity he created an imaginary friend named Blob, who convinced Boy to kill his step father, rob a candy store, and set out on a journey seeking revenge on his biological father at the center of the Earth. (Press “A” to begin)

Even though A Boy and His Blob lacks a sense of plot and what would seem like a definitive ending, it is definitely an entertaining side scroller. The concept of the game, feeding a blob an assortment of jellybeans that cause it to morph into various objects that are intended to assist you, is interesting and innovative to say the least. The game has a bit of a learning curve and the blob can piss you off worse than the dog from Duck Hunt, but don't let this discourage you. All in all, A Boy and His Blob is 1/4 fun, 1/4 frustration, and 1/2 what the fuck?

Movie Review: Dragon Wars

posted by Booze Fighter

More like “Dragon Snores.” Dragon Wars didn’t even have a friggin’ dragon in it until the last five minutes of the movie which was glorified by eating the one lady they were trying to save the whole damn movie. If you like dragons or ninjas stay away. On second thought, I wish I didn’t write this review because I’ll be reminded of this terrible movie every time I sign on to write here. Dragon Wars is a deer tick equipped with rocket launchers ready to shoot Yanni memorabilia at your face.

Movie Review: Masters of the Universe

posted by Hi Five
Of all the Star Wars rip-offs, the only worth while watch would have to be the masterful MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Set in the land of Eternia, He-Man (played by Dolph Lundgren) and friends find themselves in a bit of a pickle when Skeletor and his cronies crash the party and make heads roll. Skeletor captures the Sorceress, takes over the Castle of Greyskull, and tries to enslave He-Man. Basically, he wants to make peoples' lives a living hell.

There are many parts of this movie that bear similiarities to Star Wars. Storm Trooper look alikes, laser beams that deflect off of swords, a cloaked bad guy who can shoot lightning from his body, bounty hunters, the struggle between futuristic good and evil...the list goes on and on. However, once you get past the fact that this movie directly steals from Star Wars, you start to appreciate the awesomeness that this film brings to the table. Let me review a couple scenes for you.

After transporting to earth, the good guys in this movie find themselves conveniently located near one of the most delicious fast food places ever found in a film, Robby's Chicken Shack. Of course, the wily veteran of the group, Man-at-Arms, follows his nose toward the tempting fried chicken and ribs. However, Gwildor, a troll look alike, beats him to the punch and goes fly-fishing for some freshly fried buckets of food out of a nearby convertible. Upon learning that they are indeed eating meat from an animal, the female warrior Teela condemns the two hungerstricken heroes for being so inhumane. Shut up, bitch... and go make me a space burger. Man, this scene always makes me hungry.

Meanwhile, Skeletor is freaking out because no one has died at his hands yet. He sends a few of his top notch bounty hunters to track down He-Man and company. This motley crew of evil consists of Blade, Karg, Beastman and some lizard guy that gets totally annihilated by Skeletor when they return empty handed. This very well could be the best collection of bad guys ever assembled in any movie. The quintessential scene involving these guys is when they break into the high school gym, dominate the janitor (resulting in his being sent off to the looney bin on a stretcher), set the place on fire, and chase after a poor unsuspecting Courtney Cox.

A few other characters of note are the following:

Evil-Lyn is Skeletors right hand woman, who does all his dirty work. At one point, she shapeshifts into Courtney Cox's dead mother, just to gain the dumb bitch's trust in order to get the cosmic key back from her. This was pretty much the original mind fuck.

Lubic is the police Detective who doesnt know what the fuck is going on when these freaks show up in town and start shooting the place up during his graveyard shift. He tries to act all badass, but in reality he most likely shits his pants at the sight of Skeletor. I guess hes not as dumb as he looks though because at the end of the movie he is chilling in the land of Eternia with a few big titted space princesses and most likely goes on to own like 30 castles.

In short, I guess this movie is like Halloween in July. You see all these characters dressed up, walking around the streets and it just doesnt seem right, but you cant look away. The one thing is, they arent looking for candy, they are looking for the cosmic key so dont get in their way. Oh yeah, if the guy who looks like he just crawled out of a casket knocks on your door, shooting sparks out of his fingertips, dont answer it because its Skeletor and he will eat you. Just pray that He-Man flys by on his hovering saucer to save the day. If not, its your funeral. Just remember, we cant all be Masters of the Universe, but we all have the power to enjoy this cult classic.

Food Review: Cadbury Mini Eggs

posted by Bas Rutten

There is one reason and one reason alone why I love Easter. And no, it isn't Hoppy McSkip the Creep Bunny. It's that it means it is time for those purple packages of paradise to hit stores all across America. Yes, I'm talking about the REAL eggs of Easter, the Cadbury Mini Eggs. Not to get you mixed up with those creme eggs endorsed by Nickleback and Daughtry... these little bonanzas are the real deal and shoot down from Heaven once a year into mouths of the screaming kids, adults, and Grandpa George's all over the world. Personally, I like to try to shave off the thin colored shell with my chompers before indulging the best chocolate I've had since playing in Wonka's waterfall. How do you think Tiger Woods gets all his women? Let's just say buying a year's supply of these monsters has its perks. So, my friends, I give you a choice, either eat 2 bulky misspelled creme eggs with Chad Kroeger and his entourage of Canadian rock stars, or join me, Grandpa, Tiger, and the jam clan with a 32 ounce bag of these little buggers and make Easter morning a time to be happy again.

A Hunt For Something Familiar

posted by Fly Boy

Manhunt is a game of stealth, fear, and adrenaline. Manhunt is a lot like tag, if tag was storming the Beach of Normandy on an acid trip. Manhunt is like Tag’s older brother... if your older brother is the type who steals your lunch money and then proceeds to have sex with your girlfriend. I am not going to take this time to explain the rules of the game. If you do not know how to play, you may want to accuse your parents of neglect. If you plan to look for the rules of the game do not click on the first link in a Google search for "manhunt." That's what I did, and as a result, I ended up here:

“MANHUNT is the world's best place for men to meet online; tens of thousands of guys are online this second! Get on, get off: The hunt is on.”

What is the world coming to?

Unfortunately, kids these days are too busy for manhunt or any other backyard game that has satisfied generations prior. They are more interested in updating their facebook status and downloading Lady Gaga ringtones for their smart phone, while dressing in skin tight jeans and trendy flannels. Does the dawning of a technologically advanced society and the Twilight Saga mean the end of Manhunt? Not in my book.

Just because the new generation has lost its love for the great outdoors, doesn’t mean our generation can’t continue playing manhunt. I don’t see anything wrong with a group of grown men, dressed in all black, chasing each other in the middle of the night, lurking in unfamiliar backyards waiting to rescue a friend from an imaginary prison, all while being slightly intoxicated. Sounds like fun to me. So I ask my Soldiers of the Side Street and Commanders of the Cul-de-sac to come together and keep our favorite past-time alive.

Manhunt anyone?

GUTS... Do You Have It??

posted by Hi Five

Unfortunately the answer is "no" ever since this all time great sports competition gameshow starring young children and teenagers was cancelled in 1995. To those of us still placing bets on the blue, red and purple competitors via syndication, we got a piece of the Aggro Crag dropped on our televisions in 2007 when Nickelodeon GAS went off the air and thus squashed a piece of every person who grew up in the early 90's in the process.

For those of you who were homeschooled and too busy playing Oregon Trail in your backyard because your Mormon parents wouldnt allow TV, GUTS was a gameshow on Nickelodeon that pitted 3 preteens against each other to duel it out in a variety of sport-related events in the "Extreme Arena". These competitions, however, were by no means normal. "The Invisible Boat" allowed these kids to race over water in a Jesus like fashion, with only a paddle in hand and a harness strung from the heavens. The winner, of course, claimed Ultimate Messiah status and collected 300 points in their quest to become GUTS champion for that particular half hour. Other such memorable events were the Slam-a-Jama, Shoot Out and Wild Wheels. The latter was a competition that can only be described as the equivalent of a toddler dropping a couple tabs of acid and going for a joyride around the neighborhood on his tricycle.

This was the kind of show you often found yourself saying "Damn, I wish i had applied to this shit." Just once i want someone to ask me to "spill my guts" and I can tell them that to me GUTS means to "JAM OUT." The fact of the matter is that host Mike O'Malley is no longer asking these questions, referee Moira Quirk is no longer announcing that Paul "running man" Battson is running away with the competition, and the spotters are no longer jumping up and down for joy as a 13 year old climbs a mountain of styrofoam.

GUTS will forever stay atop the Aggro Crag, as one of the best - if not THE best - childrens' gameshow of all time. Not even Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, or even Wild and Crazy Kids can compete with this timeless gem. If only it were released to DVD we could all find out once again what it means to have...GUTS.