Thin Ice

Posted by Booze Fighter

 

Here's a winner for the shittest game award.  Gee Guys, lets corner the market for board games by creating...  I got it! Falling through thin ice is hilarious and fun. Lets make a game about freezing to death.

Marbles kind of look like people... and hell, fuck trees... those are disposable so paper could be the ice. Thats it, perfection at its finest.

Four months later...  

What the fuck who keeps on using up all the toilet paper?! I work all damn day choppin' killer evergreens down to supply the world with paper ice for the best game ever.

Maybe the Angry Pooping Man should have realized a few things:

1. The game sucks

2. Wipe your ass with the game and the game's inventors

Coca Cola's Monsters of the Gridiron: 1994

posted by Booze Fighter
Next to Tecmo Superbowl in the realm of my childhood football memories lays a stack of cards, waiting to be held and horded like crack cheese to a crack house rat.

Coke Monsters of the Gridiron was a creative way to market NFL players, and to get people to buy massive amounts of Coca Cola during the Halloween Season. I believe if you bought a 12 pack it came with 1 card outa 30… from Marshall “The Missile” Faulk to Pat “Chillin'” Swilling.

Please Coke, bring these back. It’s been 16 years since you did something cool like this and now that I’m older and grew some brains I’d save these hip and rad cards instead of using them as an accelerant to melt my army men.

Movie Review: Dragon Wars

posted by Booze Fighter

More like “Dragon Snores.” Dragon Wars didn’t even have a friggin’ dragon in it until the last five minutes of the movie which was glorified by eating the one lady they were trying to save the whole damn movie. If you like dragons or ninjas stay away. On second thought, I wish I didn’t write this review because I’ll be reminded of this terrible movie every time I sign on to write here. Dragon Wars is a deer tick equipped with rocket launchers ready to shoot Yanni memorabilia at your face.

Movie Review: Year One

posted by Booze Fighter
The only time this movie would have been worth watching would have been in the first year humans existed, at a time when they used clubs to get their first date and fire was considered a source of visual stimulation. If this movie had been watched by our ancestors, I think they would have clubbed the director and used their fire to cast this film back to the lame depths it came from. I feel bad writing harsh reviews but I paid for this rental, and could have used the money on a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy’s… a double disappointment.

Commercial Review: Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup

posted by Booze Fighter


Aww how cute... it's snowing. The feeling of Christmas is almost here. Mom is hugging her son in what you think is a love embrace, but you're so wrong. It's actually a hug goodbye! She's fattening him up so that he can be sacrificed to the trees in the front lawn. Gee mom, thanks for your creamy pile of shit. It woke up our fucking evergreen outside and it almost pulled me out the window. Luckily it took your casserole instead. Now for the rest of his life, this kid is gonna be tapped and in constant fear that every tree he sees wants the taste of children. And he'll grow up to be a deranged hermit constantly rambling about how much happier life was before cream of mushroom soup.

Food Review: Nintendo Cereal System

posted by Booze Fighter
Twenty one years ago, Nintendo Cereal smashed global brain waves from Burkina Faso, to the rivers of Singapore, and all the way to the corporate FAT CATS in Washington. Children, the elderly, and LARPs from all over the world stood in awe of the aura of a dual combination of breakfast gold. Yes, that's right... at one point in our lifetime cereal companies knew what the people wanted and needed. Clean water and reusable fuel sources are nothing compared to being able to grab one box of cereal and having the choice of two. Or dare you mock the taste gods and open BOTH sides, mixing two worlds - Mario Bros. and Zelda - only to have the offspring be sword wielding Italian plumber elves resulting in a failed video game, "Guiseppi: Burning Bushes Because My Faucet is Leaking... The Story of a Bastard Child." So, adventurous ones, fuck Jason and the Argonauts, grab your spoons and your hunger, and get ready to embark on a legendary taste voyage known as Nintendo Cereal.

Food Review: Sir Chomps a Lot

posted by Booze Fighter

In addition to being the perfect name for any type of canned deliciousness, Sir Chomps a Lot stands in the Food Hall of Fame twirling his pimp cane next to the almighty Hamburglar. I'm sure you can remember many times in which you ate a can of Chef Boyardee pasta. It is a very common meal, after all. However, when I think back to my childhood and remember eating Sir Chomps a Lot, it's far from a common memory. You see, Sir Chomps a Lot was so good that it would be the only ravioli that I'd end up snorting. It would hit my frontal lobe and stick where it should: in my mind and in my stomach. Unfortunately, the Sir Chomps a Lot mascot has been retired, but I know he's somewhere lurking in a dark cupboard waiting to unleash the Four Horsemen of Taste.

Movie Review: Zombieland

posted by Booze Fighter
The best “zomedy” to date by a long friggin’ shot. Woody Harrelson, a bad ass peanut butter… and Jesse Eisenberg, a jammin’ jelly, combine forces to make the most kick ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever to be feasted on by my stomach-like eyes. Honestly, this movie surpassed ninja status – the first time a zombie movie has done so and I’m glad it happened. Zombieland has everything from great comedy, intensity, and the best cameo since Jean Claude Van Damme in Breakin’. Put that in your blog and smoke it.

Toys I Wish I'd Never Melted: Exo Squad

posted by Booze Fighter
These toys were based off one of the most underrated cartoons ever. I found the toy before I learned about the show and my love for video games eventually led me to pounding on the A B C buttons of a Genesis controller trying to cap Phaeton, the Neosapien governor of Mars. Anyhow, my brains practically exploded when I realized that with this toy not only do you get a completely movable action figure that fits his or her very own personal "Mech Machine," but it fires plastic missiles at a range suitable for any 12 year old who is trying to take out a large ant hill. This toy would still be a hit today, with the potential to inspire imaginations everywhere. "Hey Billy, why don't you drop that Dazzle Doll and take on the Neosapiens with your very own Exo Squad?" Hell yeah, Billy. Hell yeah.