Movie Review: Dragon Wars

posted by Booze Fighter

More like “Dragon Snores.” Dragon Wars didn’t even have a friggin’ dragon in it until the last five minutes of the movie which was glorified by eating the one lady they were trying to save the whole damn movie. If you like dragons or ninjas stay away. On second thought, I wish I didn’t write this review because I’ll be reminded of this terrible movie every time I sign on to write here. Dragon Wars is a deer tick equipped with rocket launchers ready to shoot Yanni memorabilia at your face.

Movie Review: Masters of the Universe

posted by Hi Five
Of all the Star Wars rip-offs, the only worth while watch would have to be the masterful MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Set in the land of Eternia, He-Man (played by Dolph Lundgren) and friends find themselves in a bit of a pickle when Skeletor and his cronies crash the party and make heads roll. Skeletor captures the Sorceress, takes over the Castle of Greyskull, and tries to enslave He-Man. Basically, he wants to make peoples' lives a living hell.

There are many parts of this movie that bear similiarities to Star Wars. Storm Trooper look alikes, laser beams that deflect off of swords, a cloaked bad guy who can shoot lightning from his body, bounty hunters, the struggle between futuristic good and evil...the list goes on and on. However, once you get past the fact that this movie directly steals from Star Wars, you start to appreciate the awesomeness that this film brings to the table. Let me review a couple scenes for you.

After transporting to earth, the good guys in this movie find themselves conveniently located near one of the most delicious fast food places ever found in a film, Robby's Chicken Shack. Of course, the wily veteran of the group, Man-at-Arms, follows his nose toward the tempting fried chicken and ribs. However, Gwildor, a troll look alike, beats him to the punch and goes fly-fishing for some freshly fried buckets of food out of a nearby convertible. Upon learning that they are indeed eating meat from an animal, the female warrior Teela condemns the two hungerstricken heroes for being so inhumane. Shut up, bitch... and go make me a space burger. Man, this scene always makes me hungry.

Meanwhile, Skeletor is freaking out because no one has died at his hands yet. He sends a few of his top notch bounty hunters to track down He-Man and company. This motley crew of evil consists of Blade, Karg, Beastman and some lizard guy that gets totally annihilated by Skeletor when they return empty handed. This very well could be the best collection of bad guys ever assembled in any movie. The quintessential scene involving these guys is when they break into the high school gym, dominate the janitor (resulting in his being sent off to the looney bin on a stretcher), set the place on fire, and chase after a poor unsuspecting Courtney Cox.

A few other characters of note are the following:

Evil-Lyn is Skeletors right hand woman, who does all his dirty work. At one point, she shapeshifts into Courtney Cox's dead mother, just to gain the dumb bitch's trust in order to get the cosmic key back from her. This was pretty much the original mind fuck.

Lubic is the police Detective who doesnt know what the fuck is going on when these freaks show up in town and start shooting the place up during his graveyard shift. He tries to act all badass, but in reality he most likely shits his pants at the sight of Skeletor. I guess hes not as dumb as he looks though because at the end of the movie he is chilling in the land of Eternia with a few big titted space princesses and most likely goes on to own like 30 castles.

In short, I guess this movie is like Halloween in July. You see all these characters dressed up, walking around the streets and it just doesnt seem right, but you cant look away. The one thing is, they arent looking for candy, they are looking for the cosmic key so dont get in their way. Oh yeah, if the guy who looks like he just crawled out of a casket knocks on your door, shooting sparks out of his fingertips, dont answer it because its Skeletor and he will eat you. Just pray that He-Man flys by on his hovering saucer to save the day. If not, its your funeral. Just remember, we cant all be Masters of the Universe, but we all have the power to enjoy this cult classic.

Movie Review: Year One

posted by Booze Fighter
The only time this movie would have been worth watching would have been in the first year humans existed, at a time when they used clubs to get their first date and fire was considered a source of visual stimulation. If this movie had been watched by our ancestors, I think they would have clubbed the director and used their fire to cast this film back to the lame depths it came from. I feel bad writing harsh reviews but I paid for this rental, and could have used the money on a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy’s… a double disappointment.

Save the Vampires

posted by Hi Five

Do you know what that rotten smell is that has been nesting in your nostrils over the past few years? Well to quote Edgar Frog, it's "vampires, my friend, vampires." And we aren't talking about the type of vampires that you wish would bite you in the neck so you could start hanging out with their gang. I'm talking about the kind that you can find in sUPeR-FaD Mazazine, dumb bitch backpacks, or hipster lunchboxes.

Dear God someone save the sacredness of Vampirism.

I remember a better time in my life when I could flip on the TNT or USA networks just in time for the beginning of the greatest vampire movie of all time, The Lost Boys. Vampires in this movie, such as David (pictured above) - their mullet brandishing leader - weren't your friend and if you thought they were, they were most likely making you think you were eating worms or maggots. Nowadays, you have these vampires such as those that are in Twilight or The Vampire Diaries who go to high school, hang out with humans, and don't even eat people. It's bullshit.

I saw a commercial the other day for the new stupid Twilight movie, and the "bad" vampire looked like fucking Whoopi Goldberg. First of all, don't ever cast a vampire that looks like Whoopi Goldberg. Second, if you do, decide you want a Vampire Whoopi in your movie, then cast the real Whoopi Goldberg. If I saw Sister Mary Clarence in her nun outfit chasing after me trying to suck my blood, THAT would bug me out.

To settle this debate, I went ot the Vampire High School this morning and punched that dummy from Twilight in the face and took his diary. Coincidentally, while I was going to work, David rode by me on his motorcycle with his sweet trenchcoat on and his diary flew to the ground so I grabbed that. Luckily, the sun was coming up and he had to race back to his Jim Morrison Hotel, so he didn't stop and eat my skull. Anyway, these were my findings-

Diary entry from Edward, the stupid vampire:
"Today I had biology. We had to cut open a frog. It was so sad, I almost cried. Then the bread was stale on my chicken salad sandwich so I went into the bathroom and put more makeup on."


Diary entry from David from The Lost Boys:
"Today I smoked weed, ate chinese food, and killed motherfuckers."

I think we know which vampire is better.

Next time one of your friends or family members wants to watch Twilight or The Vampire Diaries, first consider why you are even talking to them and then do them a favor and stake them right in the brain with a copy of The Lost Boys. Then maybe they will know what a real vampire is supposed to be like: "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never Grow Old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."

Movie Review: Zombieland

posted by Booze Fighter
The best “zomedy” to date by a long friggin’ shot. Woody Harrelson, a bad ass peanut butter… and Jesse Eisenberg, a jammin’ jelly, combine forces to make the most kick ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever to be feasted on by my stomach-like eyes. Honestly, this movie surpassed ninja status – the first time a zombie movie has done so and I’m glad it happened. Zombieland has everything from great comedy, intensity, and the best cameo since Jean Claude Van Damme in Breakin’. Put that in your blog and smoke it.