Silly Rabbit...Fruity Pebbles Are Better!

Posted by Fly Boy

The Silly Rabbit comes home from a long day of chasing Trix to no prevail. He notices a message on his answering machine and presses play:

“Hey, depressing little jack rabbit, it’s your buddy, Barney Rubble. I'm sure you're home right now holding an empty cereal bowl and wacking off to bunny porn, because you’re fucking pathetic. HAHA…just fucking with you dude, but seriously I stole another box of Fred’s delicious fruity rocks and I wanted to throw a party tonight. Don’t call me back to say you’re busy, because I know you’re not. Party starts at nine. Be there.”

Rabbit arrives at the Rubble’s residence around 10 pm. He opens the door and is instantly exposed to an array of rainbow-colored strobe lights and an eargasm of heavy metal music. He looks to his left; Barney is in the corner with his eyes closed, wailing on an air guitar. In the center of the room, Betty dances erotically on the coffee table while Tony the Tiger watches with glazed eyes from the comfort of the couch. The Rabbit looks to his right to see Toucan Sam blowing lines of crushed Fruity Pebbles from a marble cutting board. Toucan greets the rabbit, "Come in man...follow your fuckin’ nose to these delicious Fruity Pebbles." The Rabbit timidly walks to the bar in which Toucan is perched. Sam hands him a spoonful of fruity goodness. The Rabbit takes a bite. The sugary sensation instantly attacks his blood stream; Rabbit has never felt such a rush. He turns back to the center of the room. Betty and Tony are now making out on the coffee table. Barney, oblivious to his surroundings, is now on his knees violently wailing on his air guitar. Heavy guitar riffs echo through the room. Rabbit turns back to Toucan, feeling the full effects of the Fruity Pebbles, he watches the strobe lights bounce off of the already colorful beak. For the first time in Rabbit's life he feels complete. He smiles. The bird smiles back and nods in mutual agreement. Toucan Sam speaks over the deafening music, "Fruity Pebbles mannn...Fruity...Fuckin’...Pebbles."

The rabbit wakes the next morning in his bathtub; chest deep in soggy fruity pebbles and pink milk. A dead goat lay by the toilet. Shattered glass from the mirror above the sink lay scattered on the floor. A portable CD player teeters on the edge of the tub with U2’s “Numb” set on repeat. The rabbit looks around, mentally absorbing the scene. He begins to laugh uncontrollably.

Although Rabbit spent the rest of the day with a twitching eye, irritable bowels and sensitive nipples, his experience taught him two valuable lessons; 1. Fruity Pebbles are way better than Trix and 2. Trix ARE for kids…kids that don’t know how to party.

Food Review: Cadbury Mini Eggs

posted by Bas Rutten

There is one reason and one reason alone why I love Easter. And no, it isn't Hoppy McSkip the Creep Bunny. It's that it means it is time for those purple packages of paradise to hit stores all across America. Yes, I'm talking about the REAL eggs of Easter, the Cadbury Mini Eggs. Not to get you mixed up with those creme eggs endorsed by Nickleback and Daughtry... these little bonanzas are the real deal and shoot down from Heaven once a year into mouths of the screaming kids, adults, and Grandpa George's all over the world. Personally, I like to try to shave off the thin colored shell with my chompers before indulging the best chocolate I've had since playing in Wonka's waterfall. How do you think Tiger Woods gets all his women? Let's just say buying a year's supply of these monsters has its perks. So, my friends, I give you a choice, either eat 2 bulky misspelled creme eggs with Chad Kroeger and his entourage of Canadian rock stars, or join me, Grandpa, Tiger, and the jam clan with a 32 ounce bag of these little buggers and make Easter morning a time to be happy again.

Commercial Review: Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup

posted by Booze Fighter


Aww how cute... it's snowing. The feeling of Christmas is almost here. Mom is hugging her son in what you think is a love embrace, but you're so wrong. It's actually a hug goodbye! She's fattening him up so that he can be sacrificed to the trees in the front lawn. Gee mom, thanks for your creamy pile of shit. It woke up our fucking evergreen outside and it almost pulled me out the window. Luckily it took your casserole instead. Now for the rest of his life, this kid is gonna be tapped and in constant fear that every tree he sees wants the taste of children. And he'll grow up to be a deranged hermit constantly rambling about how much happier life was before cream of mushroom soup.

Food Review: Nintendo Cereal System

posted by Booze Fighter
Twenty one years ago, Nintendo Cereal smashed global brain waves from Burkina Faso, to the rivers of Singapore, and all the way to the corporate FAT CATS in Washington. Children, the elderly, and LARPs from all over the world stood in awe of the aura of a dual combination of breakfast gold. Yes, that's right... at one point in our lifetime cereal companies knew what the people wanted and needed. Clean water and reusable fuel sources are nothing compared to being able to grab one box of cereal and having the choice of two. Or dare you mock the taste gods and open BOTH sides, mixing two worlds - Mario Bros. and Zelda - only to have the offspring be sword wielding Italian plumber elves resulting in a failed video game, "Guiseppi: Burning Bushes Because My Faucet is Leaking... The Story of a Bastard Child." So, adventurous ones, fuck Jason and the Argonauts, grab your spoons and your hunger, and get ready to embark on a legendary taste voyage known as Nintendo Cereal.

Food Review: Sir Chomps a Lot

posted by Booze Fighter

In addition to being the perfect name for any type of canned deliciousness, Sir Chomps a Lot stands in the Food Hall of Fame twirling his pimp cane next to the almighty Hamburglar. I'm sure you can remember many times in which you ate a can of Chef Boyardee pasta. It is a very common meal, after all. However, when I think back to my childhood and remember eating Sir Chomps a Lot, it's far from a common memory. You see, Sir Chomps a Lot was so good that it would be the only ravioli that I'd end up snorting. It would hit my frontal lobe and stick where it should: in my mind and in my stomach. Unfortunately, the Sir Chomps a Lot mascot has been retired, but I know he's somewhere lurking in a dark cupboard waiting to unleash the Four Horsemen of Taste.

Fluff You

posted by Hi Five
There are two types of people in the world: those who favor fluff and those who favor jelly. Usually you find one of these two spreads alongside peanut butter, which is one of the best inventions of man kind. Let’s take a closer look at the merits of each side of this age old debate...why fluff and why not jelly?

Have you ever found yourself in the following situations?

"Mmmmmm im so cold, I want some hot chocolate! Scoop some JELLY in my delicious warm me up drink!"

or

"What a great summer day mom, it’s so hot outside! Let’s all enjoy an ice cream sundae topped with SMUCKERS GRAPE!"

Let me answer for you, Helen Keller...you never find yourself in these situations. And if you do, you are most likely deaf, chances are you are blind and you are definitely dumb.

So what does this have to do with fluff? Well, it is clearly a more versatile spread. Not only can you enjoy it in your traditional Fluffernutter sandwich, but also in various other forms. Want a topping for your ice cream? Check. Want to add a little twist to your hot chocolate? Got you covered. If you have never enjoyed a Peanut Butter or Fudgernutter sundae (both containing marshmallowy fluff), stop what you are doing right now, drive yourself to the nearest ice cream shop, get out of your car, and stand in front of the window punching yourself in the face until they hand you one of these delicious treats.

"So i guess you must be anti-American huh? Peanut butter and jelly is traditional Americana food. You jerk."

Well, fucking idiot, you are wrong.

Look at the evolution of peanut butter and jelly. It has become commercialized. Have you ever seen those stupid frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Uncrustables? They make me want to puke. If you feed your children an Uncrustable you are borderline neglecting them. What better way of telling your son or daughter how much you love them, by sending them to school with one of these turd saucers in their lunch box.

Honestly, I care about you so much, that I can't take the 2 minutes to make you an actual peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I need to buy them, premade and FROZEN. Hmmm, I wonder if this kid will turn into a self loathing, fat, lazy bastard?

Speaking of self loathing bastards, why do you think Timothy Mcveigh bombed the Murrah Federal Building? He wasn’t pissed at the government… His mom had just fed him too many jelly sandwiches and he had had enough. Fuck, he probably thought the building was a jelly factory.

Osama Bin Laden? All he wanted was some fluff… give the man some fluff for Christ’s sake. Instead he gets pissed because our government kept dropping crates of jelly in his country for like 30 years and laughing about it.

Fluff doesnt stoop so low as to make premade shit circles. Fluff stands strong in its red white and blue container, instilling the morals and values in the future of tomorrow. Fluff knows that you can’t compromise the delicious tastes of a fresh made sandwich, and doesn’t try to capitalize on the stupidity and laziness of the common parent.

I think it is pretty clear. If you want your child to become a terrorist, drug addict, or someone who wears squared rimmed glasses, by all means continue slapping that jelly on the bread and shoving it down their throats. But if you want your child to win the Nobel Prize, maybe become President or even just become a decent human being, then fluff is the way to go.