Break This Game

Posted by Booze Fighter

Don't Break the Ice - Milton Bradley 1968

I'd like to say, first and for most, that this game is a complete pile of plastic shit. The set up to play ratio is 100sec/1sec, so basically it's 99% a waste of time. The games idiocy was so apparently world wide that it actually angered a whole population of North Vietnamese; which sparked the first Anti-Shitty Game Campaign (later to be known as The Tet Offensive)...unleashing their rage on all those who thought hitting plastic cubes of lame, till the man on the shitter cam crashing down, was actually a good idea.

Years later you still catch this peon of the gaming world loitering where it shouldn't be, like next to an elite gaming system or anywhere not on fire. The only way this game would be slightly more legit is if, with every blow, the hammer played the bonus tune from Wreckin' Crew (NES Classic) and as the retarded, red man falls, he screams "CREED IS A LEGIT ROCK GROUP," and then lays waste in a vat of lava.

Die you lier. Die you game.

Feldmanology

Posted by Hi Five

What do Ganesha, Allah, and Jesus all have in common?
The answer, of course, is that their god is Corey Feldman.

Well, let me rephrase. Their God was Corey Feldman between the years 1985 and 1989. You see, during this five year period, Mr. Feldman was busy creating what is now looked at as the highest peak in cinematic history. I am referring to the unstoppable force of films known as: The Goonies, Stand By Me, The Lost Boys and The 'Burbs. When looked at closely, one can see the evolution of awesomeness that took place during this period.

Feldman knew right from the get-go that he had the magic. In The Goonies he was always combing his hair and being totally radical, all while telling that dumb ugly bitch with glasses to shut-up half the time; so kudos to that. True, some might say that by the end of the Goonies he was being nice to that short haired dyke-looking lass, but by this time Feldman was maturing and just wanted to get some snatch. The theory of "the best way to get a hot girl is to go after her ugly friend first" was made into law during this movie. Everyone knows Andy the Cheerleader was Mouths main target. Boing.

Next in Feldman's repertoire of jamtastic flicks was Stand by Me. We get to see a dark side of Corey, as he portrayed the semi-psychotic, army obsessed youth, Teddy Duchamp. Want to know what happens when you start making movies with River Phoenix? You start doing drugs. Whenever I see this movie, I wish that I was a fifteen year old actor during the eighties, who got to run around, smoke weed and play "guns" with his buddies on a movie set. Pretty sweet.

Apparently a good drug connection was made during Stand by Me, because co-cast members Kiefer Sutherland and Corey Feldman reunited in 1987 to create a movie that is unparalleled by any other, The Lost Boys. At the peak of his high, Corey Feldman was killing vampires and selling comic books. Wow. If Vampires were to in fact exist, this would be the type of world I would want to live in.

For his rock n' roll encore, Mr. Feldman stars in the 'Burbs as Ricky Butler. All you need to know about this movie, besides that it gives the Boogeyman wet dreams, is a description of how Feldmans character first enters the fray: A long haired, sunglass wearing Feldman enters your screen, carrying a bucket of paint in one hand, a boom box in another, with a paint brush hanging out of his mouth. After slamming his radio down on the porch, non-chalantly placing the spilling can of paint on top of the radio, he cranks the tunes. As the music begins, this 80's god begins to play air guitar. Essentially saying "fuck painting, Mom, its time to jam out."

Unfortunately Corey Feldman never went on to do much more. In fact, he started hanging out with Michael Jackson and became just another miserable freak. During the life span of Jesus Christ there is a period of time between the ages of 12-30, when no one really knows what the hell was going on with the son of god. I like to think of Corey Feldman in a similiar way. Between the years of 1985 and 1989, Corey Feldman was busy creating a religion. He was building a house that stood upon the four pillars described above, with a cult following of people like myself. As for the years prior to 1985 and post 1989, I guess I will simply think of those as the lost years of Feldman.

Coca Cola's Monsters of the Gridiron: 1994

posted by Booze Fighter
Next to Tecmo Superbowl in the realm of my childhood football memories lays a stack of cards, waiting to be held and horded like crack cheese to a crack house rat.

Coke Monsters of the Gridiron was a creative way to market NFL players, and to get people to buy massive amounts of Coca Cola during the Halloween Season. I believe if you bought a 12 pack it came with 1 card outa 30… from Marshall “The Missile” Faulk to Pat “Chillin'” Swilling.

Please Coke, bring these back. It’s been 16 years since you did something cool like this and now that I’m older and grew some brains I’d save these hip and rad cards instead of using them as an accelerant to melt my army men.

Video Game Review: A Boy and His Blob

posted by Fly Boy

A Boy and his Blob is a Nintendo video game about a boy…and his blob. Like many Nintendo games one would purchase at a yard sale, this game lacked any real story. You begin the game in the middle of a desolate street at night with a sack of jelly beans and a bouncing amoeba that slightly resembles an albino Slimer. At this point the player is already pondering such questions as "who is this boy?" "Where did he get this blob?" and "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

Unfortunately, the game fails to answer any of these questions and forces you to use your imagination. If I had to write the story of A Boy and His Blob it may go a little something like this:

Boy lived a hard life. He was raised by his abusive step father and crack-addicted mother, who failed to properly name him. He grew up never really knowing his biological father, except for the occasional stories his mother would tell when she was coming down off the rock. She would tell him that his father was a miner named Doug and that he spent most of his life digging. Then one day, when Boy was a baby, Doug decided he'd had enough of family life and abandoned Boy and his mother in pursuit of his dream to reach the center of the Earth. At first, Boy paid little attention to his ranting mother, but at the age of 12 he developed a mild case of schizophrenia and her stories began to make sense. By the age of 13, Boy began to suffer from severe depression. He felt scared and alone. To counter his feelings of insecurity he created an imaginary friend named Blob, who convinced Boy to kill his step father, rob a candy store, and set out on a journey seeking revenge on his biological father at the center of the Earth. (Press “A” to begin)

Even though A Boy and His Blob lacks a sense of plot and what would seem like a definitive ending, it is definitely an entertaining side scroller. The concept of the game, feeding a blob an assortment of jellybeans that cause it to morph into various objects that are intended to assist you, is interesting and innovative to say the least. The game has a bit of a learning curve and the blob can piss you off worse than the dog from Duck Hunt, but don't let this discourage you. All in all, A Boy and His Blob is 1/4 fun, 1/4 frustration, and 1/2 what the fuck?

Movie Review: Dragon Wars

posted by Booze Fighter

More like “Dragon Snores.” Dragon Wars didn’t even have a friggin’ dragon in it until the last five minutes of the movie which was glorified by eating the one lady they were trying to save the whole damn movie. If you like dragons or ninjas stay away. On second thought, I wish I didn’t write this review because I’ll be reminded of this terrible movie every time I sign on to write here. Dragon Wars is a deer tick equipped with rocket launchers ready to shoot Yanni memorabilia at your face.

Movie Review: Masters of the Universe

posted by Hi Five
Of all the Star Wars rip-offs, the only worth while watch would have to be the masterful MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Set in the land of Eternia, He-Man (played by Dolph Lundgren) and friends find themselves in a bit of a pickle when Skeletor and his cronies crash the party and make heads roll. Skeletor captures the Sorceress, takes over the Castle of Greyskull, and tries to enslave He-Man. Basically, he wants to make peoples' lives a living hell.

There are many parts of this movie that bear similiarities to Star Wars. Storm Trooper look alikes, laser beams that deflect off of swords, a cloaked bad guy who can shoot lightning from his body, bounty hunters, the struggle between futuristic good and evil...the list goes on and on. However, once you get past the fact that this movie directly steals from Star Wars, you start to appreciate the awesomeness that this film brings to the table. Let me review a couple scenes for you.

After transporting to earth, the good guys in this movie find themselves conveniently located near one of the most delicious fast food places ever found in a film, Robby's Chicken Shack. Of course, the wily veteran of the group, Man-at-Arms, follows his nose toward the tempting fried chicken and ribs. However, Gwildor, a troll look alike, beats him to the punch and goes fly-fishing for some freshly fried buckets of food out of a nearby convertible. Upon learning that they are indeed eating meat from an animal, the female warrior Teela condemns the two hungerstricken heroes for being so inhumane. Shut up, bitch... and go make me a space burger. Man, this scene always makes me hungry.

Meanwhile, Skeletor is freaking out because no one has died at his hands yet. He sends a few of his top notch bounty hunters to track down He-Man and company. This motley crew of evil consists of Blade, Karg, Beastman and some lizard guy that gets totally annihilated by Skeletor when they return empty handed. This very well could be the best collection of bad guys ever assembled in any movie. The quintessential scene involving these guys is when they break into the high school gym, dominate the janitor (resulting in his being sent off to the looney bin on a stretcher), set the place on fire, and chase after a poor unsuspecting Courtney Cox.

A few other characters of note are the following:

Evil-Lyn is Skeletors right hand woman, who does all his dirty work. At one point, she shapeshifts into Courtney Cox's dead mother, just to gain the dumb bitch's trust in order to get the cosmic key back from her. This was pretty much the original mind fuck.

Lubic is the police Detective who doesnt know what the fuck is going on when these freaks show up in town and start shooting the place up during his graveyard shift. He tries to act all badass, but in reality he most likely shits his pants at the sight of Skeletor. I guess hes not as dumb as he looks though because at the end of the movie he is chilling in the land of Eternia with a few big titted space princesses and most likely goes on to own like 30 castles.

In short, I guess this movie is like Halloween in July. You see all these characters dressed up, walking around the streets and it just doesnt seem right, but you cant look away. The one thing is, they arent looking for candy, they are looking for the cosmic key so dont get in their way. Oh yeah, if the guy who looks like he just crawled out of a casket knocks on your door, shooting sparks out of his fingertips, dont answer it because its Skeletor and he will eat you. Just pray that He-Man flys by on his hovering saucer to save the day. If not, its your funeral. Just remember, we cant all be Masters of the Universe, but we all have the power to enjoy this cult classic.

Food Review: Cadbury Mini Eggs

posted by Bas Rutten

There is one reason and one reason alone why I love Easter. And no, it isn't Hoppy McSkip the Creep Bunny. It's that it means it is time for those purple packages of paradise to hit stores all across America. Yes, I'm talking about the REAL eggs of Easter, the Cadbury Mini Eggs. Not to get you mixed up with those creme eggs endorsed by Nickleback and Daughtry... these little bonanzas are the real deal and shoot down from Heaven once a year into mouths of the screaming kids, adults, and Grandpa George's all over the world. Personally, I like to try to shave off the thin colored shell with my chompers before indulging the best chocolate I've had since playing in Wonka's waterfall. How do you think Tiger Woods gets all his women? Let's just say buying a year's supply of these monsters has its perks. So, my friends, I give you a choice, either eat 2 bulky misspelled creme eggs with Chad Kroeger and his entourage of Canadian rock stars, or join me, Grandpa, Tiger, and the jam clan with a 32 ounce bag of these little buggers and make Easter morning a time to be happy again.