Food Review: Nintendo Cereal System

posted by Booze Fighter
Twenty one years ago, Nintendo Cereal smashed global brain waves from Burkina Faso, to the rivers of Singapore, and all the way to the corporate FAT CATS in Washington. Children, the elderly, and LARPs from all over the world stood in awe of the aura of a dual combination of breakfast gold. Yes, that's right... at one point in our lifetime cereal companies knew what the people wanted and needed. Clean water and reusable fuel sources are nothing compared to being able to grab one box of cereal and having the choice of two. Or dare you mock the taste gods and open BOTH sides, mixing two worlds - Mario Bros. and Zelda - only to have the offspring be sword wielding Italian plumber elves resulting in a failed video game, "Guiseppi: Burning Bushes Because My Faucet is Leaking... The Story of a Bastard Child." So, adventurous ones, fuck Jason and the Argonauts, grab your spoons and your hunger, and get ready to embark on a legendary taste voyage known as Nintendo Cereal.

Drink Review: Grape Crush

posted by Bas Rutten
While walking through campus this year, I noticed my school had replaced their Coke products with its illegitimate stepson, Pepsi. I was not happy about this, but I did find one big positive out of the matter: the re-emergence of Grape Crush. Because I hadn't had it in years, I decided to fork over the 5 quarters for a bottle and my go-go-gadget brain exploded with fizz. Grape flavor bursts out like a giant grape oozing Gusher exploding in my mouth, and I was immediately smashing my face and poking pens into my retinas for penance due to years of lost taste ignitions. Minute Maid, Welch's, Nehi, and Grapette need to grow a pair to compete with this old, but newly found once again, masterpiece of grape soda.

Food Review: Sir Chomps a Lot

posted by Booze Fighter

In addition to being the perfect name for any type of canned deliciousness, Sir Chomps a Lot stands in the Food Hall of Fame twirling his pimp cane next to the almighty Hamburglar. I'm sure you can remember many times in which you ate a can of Chef Boyardee pasta. It is a very common meal, after all. However, when I think back to my childhood and remember eating Sir Chomps a Lot, it's far from a common memory. You see, Sir Chomps a Lot was so good that it would be the only ravioli that I'd end up snorting. It would hit my frontal lobe and stick where it should: in my mind and in my stomach. Unfortunately, the Sir Chomps a Lot mascot has been retired, but I know he's somewhere lurking in a dark cupboard waiting to unleash the Four Horsemen of Taste.

Fluff You

posted by Hi Five
There are two types of people in the world: those who favor fluff and those who favor jelly. Usually you find one of these two spreads alongside peanut butter, which is one of the best inventions of man kind. Let’s take a closer look at the merits of each side of this age old debate...why fluff and why not jelly?

Have you ever found yourself in the following situations?

"Mmmmmm im so cold, I want some hot chocolate! Scoop some JELLY in my delicious warm me up drink!"

or

"What a great summer day mom, it’s so hot outside! Let’s all enjoy an ice cream sundae topped with SMUCKERS GRAPE!"

Let me answer for you, Helen Keller...you never find yourself in these situations. And if you do, you are most likely deaf, chances are you are blind and you are definitely dumb.

So what does this have to do with fluff? Well, it is clearly a more versatile spread. Not only can you enjoy it in your traditional Fluffernutter sandwich, but also in various other forms. Want a topping for your ice cream? Check. Want to add a little twist to your hot chocolate? Got you covered. If you have never enjoyed a Peanut Butter or Fudgernutter sundae (both containing marshmallowy fluff), stop what you are doing right now, drive yourself to the nearest ice cream shop, get out of your car, and stand in front of the window punching yourself in the face until they hand you one of these delicious treats.

"So i guess you must be anti-American huh? Peanut butter and jelly is traditional Americana food. You jerk."

Well, fucking idiot, you are wrong.

Look at the evolution of peanut butter and jelly. It has become commercialized. Have you ever seen those stupid frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Uncrustables? They make me want to puke. If you feed your children an Uncrustable you are borderline neglecting them. What better way of telling your son or daughter how much you love them, by sending them to school with one of these turd saucers in their lunch box.

Honestly, I care about you so much, that I can't take the 2 minutes to make you an actual peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I need to buy them, premade and FROZEN. Hmmm, I wonder if this kid will turn into a self loathing, fat, lazy bastard?

Speaking of self loathing bastards, why do you think Timothy Mcveigh bombed the Murrah Federal Building? He wasn’t pissed at the government… His mom had just fed him too many jelly sandwiches and he had had enough. Fuck, he probably thought the building was a jelly factory.

Osama Bin Laden? All he wanted was some fluff… give the man some fluff for Christ’s sake. Instead he gets pissed because our government kept dropping crates of jelly in his country for like 30 years and laughing about it.

Fluff doesnt stoop so low as to make premade shit circles. Fluff stands strong in its red white and blue container, instilling the morals and values in the future of tomorrow. Fluff knows that you can’t compromise the delicious tastes of a fresh made sandwich, and doesn’t try to capitalize on the stupidity and laziness of the common parent.

I think it is pretty clear. If you want your child to become a terrorist, drug addict, or someone who wears squared rimmed glasses, by all means continue slapping that jelly on the bread and shoving it down their throats. But if you want your child to win the Nobel Prize, maybe become President or even just become a decent human being, then fluff is the way to go.

Movie Review: Zombieland

posted by Booze Fighter
The best “zomedy” to date by a long friggin’ shot. Woody Harrelson, a bad ass peanut butter… and Jesse Eisenberg, a jammin’ jelly, combine forces to make the most kick ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever to be feasted on by my stomach-like eyes. Honestly, this movie surpassed ninja status – the first time a zombie movie has done so and I’m glad it happened. Zombieland has everything from great comedy, intensity, and the best cameo since Jean Claude Van Damme in Breakin’. Put that in your blog and smoke it.

Toys I Wish I'd Never Melted: Exo Squad

posted by Booze Fighter
These toys were based off one of the most underrated cartoons ever. I found the toy before I learned about the show and my love for video games eventually led me to pounding on the A B C buttons of a Genesis controller trying to cap Phaeton, the Neosapien governor of Mars. Anyhow, my brains practically exploded when I realized that with this toy not only do you get a completely movable action figure that fits his or her very own personal "Mech Machine," but it fires plastic missiles at a range suitable for any 12 year old who is trying to take out a large ant hill. This toy would still be a hit today, with the potential to inspire imaginations everywhere. "Hey Billy, why don't you drop that Dazzle Doll and take on the Neosapiens with your very own Exo Squad?" Hell yeah, Billy. Hell yeah.