Save the Vampires

posted by Hi Five

Do you know what that rotten smell is that has been nesting in your nostrils over the past few years? Well to quote Edgar Frog, it's "vampires, my friend, vampires." And we aren't talking about the type of vampires that you wish would bite you in the neck so you could start hanging out with their gang. I'm talking about the kind that you can find in sUPeR-FaD Mazazine, dumb bitch backpacks, or hipster lunchboxes.

Dear God someone save the sacredness of Vampirism.

I remember a better time in my life when I could flip on the TNT or USA networks just in time for the beginning of the greatest vampire movie of all time, The Lost Boys. Vampires in this movie, such as David (pictured above) - their mullet brandishing leader - weren't your friend and if you thought they were, they were most likely making you think you were eating worms or maggots. Nowadays, you have these vampires such as those that are in Twilight or The Vampire Diaries who go to high school, hang out with humans, and don't even eat people. It's bullshit.

I saw a commercial the other day for the new stupid Twilight movie, and the "bad" vampire looked like fucking Whoopi Goldberg. First of all, don't ever cast a vampire that looks like Whoopi Goldberg. Second, if you do, decide you want a Vampire Whoopi in your movie, then cast the real Whoopi Goldberg. If I saw Sister Mary Clarence in her nun outfit chasing after me trying to suck my blood, THAT would bug me out.

To settle this debate, I went ot the Vampire High School this morning and punched that dummy from Twilight in the face and took his diary. Coincidentally, while I was going to work, David rode by me on his motorcycle with his sweet trenchcoat on and his diary flew to the ground so I grabbed that. Luckily, the sun was coming up and he had to race back to his Jim Morrison Hotel, so he didn't stop and eat my skull. Anyway, these were my findings-

Diary entry from Edward, the stupid vampire:
"Today I had biology. We had to cut open a frog. It was so sad, I almost cried. Then the bread was stale on my chicken salad sandwich so I went into the bathroom and put more makeup on."


Diary entry from David from The Lost Boys:
"Today I smoked weed, ate chinese food, and killed motherfuckers."

I think we know which vampire is better.

Next time one of your friends or family members wants to watch Twilight or The Vampire Diaries, first consider why you are even talking to them and then do them a favor and stake them right in the brain with a copy of The Lost Boys. Then maybe they will know what a real vampire is supposed to be like: "Sleep all day. Party all night. Never Grow Old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."