Greeting Cards

Posted By Hi Five

Few things in this world are as downright soulless as greeting cards. Greeting cards piss me off more than Tyra Banks' face. Why, as a society, do we feel the need to give a card on every occasion, no matter how meaningless it may be? I can kind of understand birthday cards for little kids. They open the card, it has a picture of some stupid clown with his hair on fire and it says something dumb like "Hope you have a torchingly funny brithday!" The kid gets a twenty dollar bill, and everyone wins. Well guess what? No one wins when you feel like you have to buy people holiday cards, sympathy cards, sorry your dog is dead cards, get well soon from your cancer cards and all those other stupid times of the year in which people deem card worthy. God forbid I don't show up to my nephews baptism with a "Try holy water death breath!!!" card. God might not let me into heaven. I'm sure the kid would approach me 20 years later and be like "Hey Uncle Hi Five, why didnt you give me a card for my baptism? That really hurt my feelings." And if the little douche did say that I would have to punch his brain out of his head and baptize him with his own blood.

Aside from the fact that cards even exist, that alone is enough to make my blood boil, I can't stand how idiotic most of them are. I can't count the number of times I've gone looking for a card and the words "dumb", "retarted", "what the fuck", "who is the fucking moron who wrote this?", "I feel like killing someone because I just read that" comes out of my mouth. I am through with looking at cards that have a dog chasing its tail on the cover and on the inside it says something like "Its your birthday! Don't run around in circles, relax!" HAHAHAHA. Fuck you. You'll be running around in circles when I'm chasing you with Malachai's machete because you wrote that card, idiot.

I guess it just comes down to convenience and laziness. No one wants to put thought into things, which is why cards exist. Yet, the irony of it all, is if you dont get someone a card for one of these typical occasions, you're looked at as someone who is thoughtless. And these holier than thou, stick-up-their-ass douchebags look down their noses at you. "Hmmm, did you see that rebellious youth not give a card, for shame." No, sorry Dr. Society, i didnt think your little bastard sons first birthday was worth my time and money. Next time any "card occasion" comes up, I'm just going to make my own. On the cover it will say "This is the last card you will ever get from me in this lifetime," and on the inside there will be a picture of Chris Benoit dragging his thumb across his throat with the words "Fuck you" below it. I'll be done handing these things out in no time.

Candy Crap Corn

Posted By Fly Boy

Costume parties, horror-movie marathons, haunted houses, daddy's beatings; these are all components of the greatest holiday known to man, Halloween. There is one item, synonymous to Halloween, that plagues the holiday vibe more than the greedy little douchebag that takes all the candy when the sign clearly states "Please take one." That item is none other than the infamous Candy Corn.

Everything about this corn syrup and sugar combination screams DISAPPOINTING, from its unrepresentative name to its displeasing array of colors. Candy Corn is the treat kidnapping rapists give their captives for being "a good girl." Its the candy your grandmother gives you every year, because she's had an industrial size bag since 1987. Its the corn that every mythical creature would find in their stool if they were to exist. Candy Corn is what you eat if you hate yourself.

I read somewhere that one company in Texas produces enough Candy Corn each year to circle the earth 4.25 times if the kernels were laid end to end. What?...Why?...What population are they tending too? I am currently purchasing a plane ticket to Dallas to burn this factory to the ground. I will then bask in the fumes of charred sugar and corn syrup while I make ash angels in its remains. Meanwhile, everyone else should do their part and stop purchasing Candy Corn. If you are a fan of Candy Corn, and are amongst the population questioned above, then I graciously ask of you two favors...1. cut yourself and 2. get your fix during another Holiday, like Kwanzaa. Halloween doesn't need Candy Corn in its arsenal of awesomeness.