Greeting Cards

Posted By Hi Five

Few things in this world are as downright soulless as greeting cards. Greeting cards piss me off more than Tyra Banks' face. Why, as a society, do we feel the need to give a card on every occasion, no matter how meaningless it may be? I can kind of understand birthday cards for little kids. They open the card, it has a picture of some stupid clown with his hair on fire and it says something dumb like "Hope you have a torchingly funny brithday!" The kid gets a twenty dollar bill, and everyone wins. Well guess what? No one wins when you feel like you have to buy people holiday cards, sympathy cards, sorry your dog is dead cards, get well soon from your cancer cards and all those other stupid times of the year in which people deem card worthy. God forbid I don't show up to my nephews baptism with a "Try holy water death breath!!!" card. God might not let me into heaven. I'm sure the kid would approach me 20 years later and be like "Hey Uncle Hi Five, why didnt you give me a card for my baptism? That really hurt my feelings." And if the little douche did say that I would have to punch his brain out of his head and baptize him with his own blood.

Aside from the fact that cards even exist, that alone is enough to make my blood boil, I can't stand how idiotic most of them are. I can't count the number of times I've gone looking for a card and the words "dumb", "retarted", "what the fuck", "who is the fucking moron who wrote this?", "I feel like killing someone because I just read that" comes out of my mouth. I am through with looking at cards that have a dog chasing its tail on the cover and on the inside it says something like "Its your birthday! Don't run around in circles, relax!" HAHAHAHA. Fuck you. You'll be running around in circles when I'm chasing you with Malachai's machete because you wrote that card, idiot.

I guess it just comes down to convenience and laziness. No one wants to put thought into things, which is why cards exist. Yet, the irony of it all, is if you dont get someone a card for one of these typical occasions, you're looked at as someone who is thoughtless. And these holier than thou, stick-up-their-ass douchebags look down their noses at you. "Hmmm, did you see that rebellious youth not give a card, for shame." No, sorry Dr. Society, i didnt think your little bastard sons first birthday was worth my time and money. Next time any "card occasion" comes up, I'm just going to make my own. On the cover it will say "This is the last card you will ever get from me in this lifetime," and on the inside there will be a picture of Chris Benoit dragging his thumb across his throat with the words "Fuck you" below it. I'll be done handing these things out in no time.

Candy Crap Corn

Posted By Fly Boy

Costume parties, horror-movie marathons, haunted houses, daddy's beatings; these are all components of the greatest holiday known to man, Halloween. There is one item, synonymous to Halloween, that plagues the holiday vibe more than the greedy little douchebag that takes all the candy when the sign clearly states "Please take one." That item is none other than the infamous Candy Corn.

Everything about this corn syrup and sugar combination screams DISAPPOINTING, from its unrepresentative name to its displeasing array of colors. Candy Corn is the treat kidnapping rapists give their captives for being "a good girl." Its the candy your grandmother gives you every year, because she's had an industrial size bag since 1987. Its the corn that every mythical creature would find in their stool if they were to exist. Candy Corn is what you eat if you hate yourself.

I read somewhere that one company in Texas produces enough Candy Corn each year to circle the earth 4.25 times if the kernels were laid end to end. What?...Why?...What population are they tending too? I am currently purchasing a plane ticket to Dallas to burn this factory to the ground. I will then bask in the fumes of charred sugar and corn syrup while I make ash angels in its remains. Meanwhile, everyone else should do their part and stop purchasing Candy Corn. If you are a fan of Candy Corn, and are amongst the population questioned above, then I graciously ask of you two favors...1. cut yourself and 2. get your fix during another Holiday, like Kwanzaa. Halloween doesn't need Candy Corn in its arsenal of awesomeness.

Die, Green Ranger, Die!

Posted By Bas Rutten

The year was 1994 and all was well for little eight-year old Jason as his alarm clock woke him up on a sunny, autumn morning at 7:25. By the time he got dressed and went downstairs his favorite TV show on. That show was Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; with the Red Ranger, Jason, of course being his favorite. Jason was the leader of the pack; he took no shit. You all know he was Porkin’ Pink Kim and Drirrin’ Yerrow Trini as he told Zack to make him a ham sandwich and Billy to play chess with his hipster friends.

The red ranger's popularity rubbed off on little Jason as he strolled into school with his red ranger lunchbox and backpack. He was the cool kid. He was looked up to by his peers. All the girls were gossiping about his weenus. Jason was living life. He was on top of the world…

Then, out of nowhere, his life turned into a living hell as the Green Ranger, Tommy, came on board and ripped the heart out of all the Jason’s of the world, especially Mr. Weenus himself. This no good chump went face-to-face in a martial arts battle with Jason and matched up to him; forcing the Yellow (irony) Ranger to recruit him. This mother fucker even had the dragon shield. This sheild could heal and deflect attacks, which was much cooler than a red, spandex-wearing fairy jumping around. Because of this, Jason was no longer the man. All the Jason’s took a step back, while all the Tommy’s of the world were now cool; hell, even the retard Tommy Blankenship from special-ed got a handy on the 3rd grade short bus…a legend still to this day.

All the Jason’s in the world will never forgive the Green Ranger for ruining their collective parade of hope and glory. It has affected me, Mr. Weenus, to the point where I wear my red ranger outfit every morning at 7:25, thinking of the times where I was a somebody. Yes...those were the days.

Revenge of Milky

Posted By Booze Fighter

Joe and Bob Rosselle teamed up in 1982 to distrubute tasty cold treats to all of the hot and hazy Bostonians, but their ice cream handouts were just a cover. Inside the womb of their first Thermo King, tossed and churned an Ice Demon...Milky.

I believe, Milky was supposed to resemble a happy, everyday milk man, but instead, Milky looked more like a cream slinger from hell. His robotic appearence meant one thing...death to all.

It's 102 degrees outside. Your shoes are melting to the sidewalk. Wait, whats that blurry figure in the distence walking this way ever so chipper? You pause with confusion. You hear the jingles of an ice cream truck. By now your shoes have become one with the asphalt.

"Shit, I think the heats getting to me lil' sis. All i can hear, besides our flesh cooking, is the taunts of an ice cream truck nearby, and all i can see is...oh shit! ohhh SHIT. Samantha, untie your shoes and jump to the grass if you can. That figure moseying this way is MILKY!

Both children frantically try to untie their shoes but the heat and the music Milky is dispensing from his ears are putting both of them into a trance; like a cobra's dance to a mouse before it is ingested.

Gotta snap out of it, gotta run. Milky is now picking up his pace from a lacksadaisical step to a moderate stride, holding a two-ball screwball in one hand and a bloody ice pick in the other.

FUCK he's creepy. Milky's facial expression doesn't change but you can tell he's on the hunt, for his music switches from "You are My Sunshine" to Pantera's "Walk." God, why does it have to end this way?

Well, it wouldn't have ended that way Jimbo if RoseV Dairy had picked a better Logo. Maybe then it wouldn't have come to life and eaten your brains like a Choco Taco. Now Milky is raising the cold, creamy dead for his unholy army. The Hulkster, the Bozo Cup, the Widget Pop and yes even Tweety are now Ice Cream Zombies ready to embark frost bite all over the Greater Boston Area.

One Radical Son of a Bitch!

Posted By Hi Five


Few movies in this world are equal to 1991's Point Break. Starring Keanu Reeves, as FBI agent Johnny Utah and Patrick Swayze as Bodhi, the charismatic leader of a gang of surfing bank robbers. Point Break hooks the audience immediatley with its catchy dialogue, memorable characters and intense action sequences. But enough with the cliches, let me break it down and tell you why this movie is second to few.

Johnny Utah, Bodhi, Roach, Grommet, Bunker, Tone....Warchild?! Whoever named the characters in this movie is a genius. Point Break hands down has the best character names of any movie I have ever seen. As a matter of fact, my future wife better have an open mind when we name our children, because if little Johnny Utah isn't playing little league, or adorable Warchild isn't going to be trick or treating, she can hit the road.

The number of memorable lines in this movie is endless. Many times i have found myself telling people "I only live to get radical" and when they look at me like I'm the weirdo, I have them hold the Point Break DVD in front of their chest, then I spin kick it through their heart. Needless to say, the amount of people whose last words were "wow that was radical" has increased greatly since I first saw this film in the mid 1990's. What makes the movie's dialogue so good are the types of words the screenwriter decides to use. Throughout the movie, the words such as wild, babe, jam, and radical can be found coming from the mouths of any given character. I guess I just cant seem to get enough of a long haired, radical, surf nazi calling a cop a fuckin' pig as he unloads his clip from his automatic weapon at him.

The environment in this movie is also very distinct. Whenever I watch this film, I feel like it should be a warm summer day outside, even it's in the middle of the winter. One particular scene, that gives me this feeling, is at a party at the Ex Presidents beach house. This has to be a top-five party scene that you would want in any movie. It starts off with Johnny Utah venturing into the building to find Jimi Hendrix jamming over the loud speakers, Grommet (Bodhi's younger brother) tripping out on drugs and Bodhi, himself, jazzing up a black girl and taking tequila shots. Soon, the crew moves out to the beach where they tell stories about "big wave riding," then they proceed to do a little "stealth mission," nightime surfing themselves. If i could go to this party every saturday night for the rest of my life, I would.

One thing that I need to point out is how out of control Warchild and his thugs really are. There is one scene where they are on their way home from the beach in their flat bed truck, and they are literally swerving between 3 lanes of traffic on the highway, hanging out the sides and yelling at people. Imagine you are in your suit and tie on your way home from work, and you look out your window to see a group of long haired, metal-looking pshycopaths screaming obscenities at you. When they arrive back at their house, they say "fuck the driveway" and just barrel over the curb, right up onto the front lawn. Talk about a group of fellas who give the middle finger to the man, huh? If these guys didnt tweak out on so much crack and own so many guns, I would want to hang out with them just as much as I want to hang out with the ex presidents.

In addition to great characters, quotable dialogue, and palatable scenes, Point Break really does have an excellent plot. A "young, dumb and full of cum" FBI agent comes to town and joins forces with a veteran agent. Together they try to track down "The Ex Presidents;" a group of surfers who are willing to pay the ultimate price for the ultimate ride. However, in a slight twist, the FBI protagonist befriends this group of criminals and soon learns that they are ones he seeks to track down. Soon, all hell ensues through a number of action packed chase, surfing and skydiving scenes. In the end Johnny Utah gets his man, but in the process his character goes on a life changing journey, in which he discovers there is more to life than simply abiding by the everyday rules of society. Overall, Point Break is a must see for anyone who is born, and if you have yet to see it, all i can say is "Goddamn, you are one radical son of a bitch!"

Lost Complainers

Posted by Dobb Master Flex

This post goes out to all the people who have ever (or would like to) complained about Lost. Look, everyone knows that there were a lot of questions brought up by the show throughout the series, and it may have seemed like the writers were trying to mess with your brain. Most likely this was true, but I, and every other true fan, enjoyed every minute of it. For the "lost" people, i.e. coworkers, I think it would have been best if you stopped complaining at my cubicle about how you couldn't wait for the series to end because you can't follow the show anymore; you are now on my list. Maybe you have a short attention span. So what if they didn't answer every single last question that you have retained since the first season. Some questions are better left unsaid; there is only so much that we could have accomplished from analyzing or blogging about the show.

During the show's final days, I had a major sociological revelation when I found that there were two types of Lost fans, or really, two types of people. The first type just sat back and enjoyed the roller coaster ride of a show. The second was a bitter person who simply watched out of obligation but didn't even care anymore. This person needs to crash on a deserted island with a smoke monster and an electromagnetism problem to learn their lesson (I haven't even mentioned anything about the space/time continuum). I don't think that's too far from a realistic punishment. Look, if you are catching up now, or just re-watching the show for the fun of it, just enjoy it. As Steven Tyler once said "Life's a journey. Not a destination." Every episode offers some sort of entertainment; incredible one liners, great acting, and let's not forget about the Lost drinking game. Seriously, how many times did you complain throughout the show's history only to be proven wrong at the end? Probably every season. So do me a favor, shut your mouth, or stop watching. It's up to you. But no matter what, don't tell John Locke what he can't do, because he has so many ridiculous anecdotes about life and carries really large knives.

Baby on Board

Posted by Fly Boy
There are people in the world that can irritate you to the point where you just want to punch that individual through the sternum and remove their still beating heart. For some, it’s the Guido "juicehead" with the Japanime hair cut. For others, it’s the celebrity who adopts foreign babies and preaches about the hardships of third world countries. For me, it’s the people who find it necessary to have a “Baby on Board” sign suctioned to their car window.

Do these parents think that this sign prevents anyone from accidentally rear-ending them? Do they believe that the sign creates an impenetrable force field that protects them from on-coming traffic? Or maybe they believe that there are drivers out there that purposely look for other vehicles to hit because they are bored; “Hmmm, let’s see. Who should I share my insurance information with today? How about that Dodge Caravan…oh no wait, I can’t…there is a baby on board. I guess I’ll hit this Nissan with the vanity plate and John Kerry sticker.

This bright yellow sign not only irritates me and every woman with a faulty uterus, it also entices every pedophile driver in the area. So if you are one of these over-cautious parents and you happen to notice a bald guy with horned-rim glasses following you in a station wagon with wood paneling, do NOT freak out…you did this to yourself.

It is safe to say that this so called “warning sign” does more harm than good and should be immediately recalled. Any parent who purchases this product should not be allowed to raise children. Their ignorance will infect our youth, which in turn, will affect our future.